Tuesday, October 19, 2010

P4E.186 I Get Up, I Get Down

"I get up, I get down
I get up, I get down
I get up, I get down"

I can be so consistently inconsistent. Sometimes, I'm spiritually on and sometimes not. I can be caring and understanding one day and the very next be completely absent. Yes, I know why. But, I am simply not disciplined enough to get to consistency. It's like drinking a Coke. Everything I know tells me that it's bad for me. Like drinking pure sugar. And carbonated at that. The road to diabetes and kidney stones is paved with empty Coke cans. And yet, every once in a while, I drink (a Coke!).

When confronted with my offensiveness, I get defensive. I want to be understood. I think that I'll be understood if I can just explain myself better. I don't want to give up. I want to be heard. I talk too much. I raise my voice. I feel like I can't get a word in edge-wise. I get frustrated and impatient. Of course, this just makes things worse.

Then, I get confused and non-committal. I don't want to appear weak, but I am, in fact, weak. Weakness isn't very attractive. It's repulsive. It looks...weak. Then I get angry with myself for letting myself get to this place. Self-loathing isn't attractive either. I feel like I'm living Close to the Edge. I get up. I get down. I get up. I get down. I get up. I get down.

"Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?"


  1. My husband and I just had a conversation very similar to this.

    Although I hear what you're saying about weakness being unattractive, sometimes when a person I'm close to really lays everything out and becomes vulnerable, I feel it is the opposite of repulsive. It's weird how that works.

  2. I would love to see one of the places (literal) where you get up and get down. A view into the images of your life. :)

  3. Amy - I know what you are saying. When I get to the place where I recognize that I cannot save myself and that I'm in need of a Savior, that is not repulsive. It's when I'm floundering around in self-pity and indignation before I get to that point that is ugly.

    LL - Ha! I thought the idea was to write about it, not show pictures. Anyway, we're facebook friends, You can check out my photos there! I think there's some of the garden in my backyard that I'm sure you'll enjoy. I'm trying to figure out a time when I can write about my surroundings so I can participate in your weekly project.