Sunday, May 19, 2013
P4E.255 An Alternate Response to Ivy
"Ivy, I can't even begin to imagine the hurt, pain and anger that you've experienced because of your husband's infidelity. You have every right to be angry! I'm ANGRY! God's angry! There's no timetable for overcoming anger! I'm guessing that your marriage has been hurting for some years, so it may take some years for it to heal. And, the fact is, you may never forgive or overcome your anger. It truly depends on how Christlike your husband can be.
Unlike what Pat Robertson told you, Christianity holds its men to a higher standard than "he's a man and that's what men do." Christ expects His men to overcome their fleshly nature, to flee immorality and to remain faithful to their wives. Your husband did not and he is less of a man because of it. Even non-believers expect their relationships to be faithful!
The conservatives among us love to point out that actions have consequences. Your husband's infidelity has resulted in an angry and unforgiving wife. Freudian psychology supposes that one person cannot make another person feel anything. It says that we choose to feel how we feel. But, we know anecdotally that this is not true. Actions and words have consequences. Your spirit feels hurt because you have been betrayed. That is normal. That is human.
You must know that there is nothing you did or didn't do to "cause" your husband to be unfaithful. He CHOSE to commit adultery. And, we all know that Scripture indicates that if there's one act that gives a person just cause to divorce their spouse, it's adultery. Also, Scripture says that adulterers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. So, your husband has some hearts to change. His own and yours.
Unlike what Pat Robertson told you, you are under no obligation to see the bright side of your life after your husband's infidelity. There is no bright side to it. The burden is not on you to make things better or to change your attitude. That burden lies squarely on your husband's shoulders. Either he will make that effort or he will not.
The shame of it is that your husband did not write asking for help in how he could help you overcome your anger and unforgiveness. In a way, you are a mirror for your husband's spiritual condition. If he worked hard, very hard, at showing you on a daily basis how sorry he is for his infidelity, how re-committed he is to your relationship and to his relationship with God, how committed he is to NEVER putting himself in a compromised position again, then you might start to feel different. But, if he is not doing these things, how will your spirit change? His spirit must change for your spirit to change.
Your feelings of unforgiveness and anger are a reflection of your true spiritual state. The feelings will not change until your spirit changes. As a spiritual leader (in the worst sense), your husband led you to this place and, if he is a man who has any character left, he can lead you away from this place too. Unfortunately, it's up to him. He affected your spirit in a bad way and he can affect it in a good way. But, it's going to take a lot of work on his part.
The Christian culture insists that we "forgive and forget." But, even though God may have forgiven David his sins, He did not forget them. God made sure that David's story was documented in Scripture for all future generations to remember. David suffered severe consequences because of his adultery and murder. His son committed rape and incest and sought to kill David.
Finally, know this: God hates divorce, but He did not forbid it. In fact, He forbade adultery in the seventh of the ten commandments. And when the Scriptures say that God hates divorce, He is speaking specifically to men, telling them not to treat their wives treacherously. He is obviously making men responsible for the state of their marriages. If your husband remains unfaithful in his heart and his spirit, if he is not apologetic, re-committed and repentant, even Scripture would allow you to divorce him. And you should.
My heart goes out to you and we can only hope that your husband will take on the responsibility of recovering what he lost because of his infidelity. If he doesn't then you have the choice to leave him. Only by one of those two things will you have a chance of being truly spiritually healed. God Bless."