In the early 2000's my marriage was in deep trouble. We were very fortunate in finding an amazing para-church ministry that helped us find a way through those times. Now, one of the leadership couples of that ministry just announced that, after 24 years of marriage, they are divorcing. They're not the first (and probably won't be the last). Of course, everyone is wishing them well, as do I. But, at my age I feel entitled to have an opinion; to have feelings about it.
Acknowledging all the normal and expected caveats of, "you haven't kept in touch with them, you don't know their pain, you don't know all the particulars, the history, the circumstances, how things change, you can't and shouldn't judge, there but for the grace of God go I, etc.," it still hurts. It's still confusing and discouraging and disappointing. It still leaves me desperate and wondering.
In the para-church ministry I mentioned, emphasis was placed on the husband, as spiritual leader, being responsible for the state of his marriage. To love his wife like Christ loved the church, "and gave Himself up for her." As that leadership couple taught me, I've come to believe this wholeheartedly and so lay the responsibility for the split at the husband's door. I know that I'm walking a fine line between holding him accountable and judging him; that I leave myself open to being called a hypocrite myself (now and in the future). But in this moment, that is what I feel and believe. We were taught, by this couple, that the state of the marriage is an accurate reflection of the state of the husband's relationship to Christ. What must that relationship be like if they have decided to divorce?
There are very few men who have influenced me. One, who I've recently come under the influence of, says that life is struggle. That the antidote to that struggle is discovering meaning. And that meaning can be found in taking on responsibility. That responsibility comes about when we shoulder the burden that EVERYTHING WE THINK, SAY, AND DO MATTERS. Each one of us knows 1,000 people. And each of them knows 1,000 people. So, we are literally 1 person away from 1,000,000 people. We are individuals, but we live in a society and a culture. This is only compounded by social media. By what we think, say, and do, each of us MAKES A DIFFERENCE in the lives of others. (At this time of year, the story of "It's a Wonderful Life" comes to mind)
I know that I'm not the only one so deeply affected by that leadership couple's decision to divorce. All this is meant to be an encouragement to you, my friends. What you THINK, SAY, and DO matters. Lean into the struggle. There will be pain. Tears must fall. Find the meaning in it. Bear your burden. Endure.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
PS - I know that, just as in my favorite sport of Baseball, the story isn't over until it's over. We always hold out hope!
