After reading my post, called SNAFU, Marcus Goodyear commented that he asked himself some tough questions:
1. What am I doing right now that I will look back on in the future and regret?
2. How can I be fully present with my family right now when they need me?
3. How can I not fall into the trap of making my family into just another idol that I worship and twist into an enemy?
Marcus liked my answer and I thought I'd turn it into the next installment of P4E:
Well, I don't know what you are doing that you'll regret later, but I know what I regret now (in no particular order):
- Putting those blinders on and focusing the majority of my energy into my work.
- Not listening to (and acting on) the "help" that God gave me (my wife) when it came to relationship issues. She is still the "expert" especially when compared to my feeble relationship abilities.
- Not understanding (and therefore screwing up) how becoming a "Christian" was supposed to change the way I think, act and talk.
- Holding "deep convictions" that I believed were based in my "Belief" and expressing those in a way that was detrimental to relationships with those close to me.
- Not asking questions of my wife and others who could have helped me avoid disaster.
- That by not asking questions, I did not remain teachable and therefore became arrogant and stayed ignorant. These characteristics squelched creativity and hindered growth in understanding and wisdom.
- Not establishing reasonable boundaries between my family of origin and my wife and children.
- Not taking a more active role as a husband and father in the spiritual development of my self, my wife and my children.
- That I have been a hypocrite, in the "whitewashed tomb" sense of the word. I was one person in public and another at home or with those who were close to me.
- Being exposed to and becoming a consumer of pornography.
- Not believing that I could exercise some self-discipline in my life and therefore being un-disciplined in much of it.
- Being a proud, explosively angry, impatient and frustrated man.
- Making decisions without being "one" with my wife.
- Not understanding the differences between men and women and how they are meant to glorify God.
- Not valuing my emotions or the emotions of others so that I became spiritually and emotionally dead.
- Not handling my finances in such a way that my sons could see a positive, balanced example of what that should look like.
And that's just to name a few! I know that I've heard other men express some of the same regrets.
As far as making your family an idol, I don't think that's something that most of us men have to worry too much about. Especially as time goes by it will be much more likely that you will have to worry about the other extreme of taking them for granted, having unrealistic expectations of them, being disappointed in their performance, spending less and less time with them, disregarding them and generally being un-Christlike towards them.
Of course, the antidote to all of this is the pursuit of Christlikeness. All of our future regrets could be avoided by purposing to be fully present for our families right now by being sensitive, gentle, kind, humble, peaceful, self-sacrificing, patient, faithful, generous, spirit-filled and disciplined (among other Christlike characteristics).
Peace, Kim
I think it’s about time that credible Christian leaders speak up in response to a trend that has been going on in Christianity for a while. I don’t claim to be a leader, but I’m willing to start. The Mark Driscoll/Mars Hill scandal is the most recent evidence of the trend that I want to discuss.
We Christian men have been led down a very wrong path by those who would like to see us “mainstreamed” into the counter-culture. We have been told that we should be “wild at heart,” that we should be “purpose driven,” and that we should resist being “pussified.”
Some Christian leaders have, knowingly or not, encouraged their men to embrace their inner man, to be passionate, to be a better male specimen. This is evidenced by an encouragement towards outdoor adventure experiences, martial arts, and all sorts of ministries whose goal appears to be self-help into “manliness.” The people who are promoting this sect have, in an effort to justify their perspective, lionized Christ, making him out to be bold and passionate; purpose driven and wild at heart; a man’s man; a super man.
All of this testosterone driven encouragement has caused Christian men, in an already arguably misogynistic Christian culture, to flaunt their maleness. I can’t speak to other countries, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this were a uniquely American phenomenon. Christian men are following their leaders and male role models. They’re swearing and cursing. Otherwise, they are increasingly non-verbal and stoic. They are very interested in personal success, financial and otherwise. Christian men no longer have any qualms about embracing the sports, music, fashion, and entertainment industries’ violent, misogynistic, sex-driven view of the world. Following professional sports has become a completely acceptable outlet for Christian men to embrace violence. So-called “Christian music” aspires to be indistinguishable from secular music in its bombast and men love it.
The passionate pursuit of living a life that is larger than life is encouraged. A life that social media allows us to display so that we can encourage others to do the same. Social media also allows us to receive praise for our very visible efforts. Many church sanctuaries have become like man-caves, with large screen tvs and loud music. A lot of chest-beating is going on in there. A lot of money is exchanging hands.
It is typically male that we would be insensitive to the fact that when we promote the advantages of being male we reciprocally demean women and their role in Christianity.
All of this would seem to be at odds with Christ and the IDEA of Christ. For Christ, to become a man was an unfathomable step DOWN. He did not encourage us to embrace and escalate our maleness, but to kill it so that it could be born again in the Spirit. He did not pursue fame and fortune so that He could beat His chest, point Heavenward, and take a knee to give glory to God. Many times He fled the crowds that pursued Him to gain solitude and quiet in which to meditate and pray. He was a poor, humble, carpenter who was described as meek and lowly. He would perform miracles and warn the person He’d healed not to tell anyone. He was not a man of violence, but was rather called the “Prince of Peace.”
You can find no direction from Christ to pursue excellence. Instead, He insisted that we become like children: innocent, vulnerable, and unassuming, without malice or meanness or hidden agenda. He was counter-cultural in the true sense of the word, not to be perceived as trendy.
The main problem with the sect that wants Christian men to live large is the emphasis on self. Christianity is not a “self-help” program. Christ did not look to further Himself. Instead, His thoughts and actions were always directed at bettering the conditions of others around Him.
The other big problem with the manliness sub-culture is the emphasis on this physical existence; this flesh and this world. But, Christ encouraged us to pursue a spiritual well-being, not a physical well-being. That spiritual well-being is furthered by one-to-one encounter with God who is Spirit.
Few of the fruit of the spirit found in the Book of Galatians would be what we consider to be natural male attributes: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. May I presume to say that they are more inclined to be attributed to the fairer sex? And so, if to be “pussified” means that I pursue the fruit of the spirit in my life, then by all means, let me be “pussified.”
