P4E.062 A Rat in a Maze?

(The 1st in a series on predator patterning.)

In the early evening gloom.
Impaled on my wall
My eyes can dimly see
The pattern of my life
And the puzzle that is me.

From the moment of my birth
To the instant of my death,
There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath.
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies,
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies.

And the pattern still remains
On the wall where darkness fell,
And it's fitting that it should,
For in darkness I must dwell.
Like the color of my skin,
Or the day that I grow old,
My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled.

Patterns, by Paul Simon

I've been deeply affected by some of what my wife, Gwen, is sharing about what she's learning about "natural horsemanship." To give credit where credit is due, we are learning about these things from Monty Roberts (considered by many to be "the" Horse Whisperer), Clinton Anderson and last, but not nearly least, Pat and Linda Parelli and their colleague, Dr. Stephanie Burns. These people have studied horse behavior and human behavior and are promoting a more natural, non-violent, approach to the relationship between the two. There's also a man named Cesar Millan who has earned a reputation as the "Dog Whisperer." These people have broken the code so that we humans can understand and communicate with horses and dogs. As unusual as it may sound, much of what we are learning about the relationship between humans and horses cross-references to husbands and wives. I consider my mentor, Ken Nair, to be the "Wife Whisperer." He's written a book called "Discovering the Mind of a Woman," that is a classic in breaking the code of communication and understanding between husbands and wives. All of these wonderful people have identified patterns in human and/or animal behavior that have been key in helping to understand and communicate one to another.

When I'm in counseling, a large part of what my counselor does is to help me to become more sensitive to and more self-aware of patterning that exists in my life. Some of the patterning has led to strengths, but other patterning has led to "areas of concern." That patterning was established by many factors. Genes, environment, parental upbringing, siblings, birth order, gender, epochal events, age, peers and other things influence the patterns of my life. Becoming self-aware of these patterns is the first and extremely important step in benefiting from the counseling.

I'm starting to believe that an important part of what Christ is looking for in me (since I am His and He is mine) is behavior modification. A more spiritually natural, non-violent approach to my relationships with my wife, my children and others around me. Changing the way I think, act and talk. A part of behavior modification is recognizing the patterns in my life that cause areas of concern and interrupting them. It's called "pattern interruption."

Am I a rat in a maze whose pattern never alters until the rat dies? God help me, I hope not. More to follow...

Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim

P4E.061 Extending Grace

It seems wretched to think that one of the first times I was self-aware enough to consciously remember extending grace was only a couple of years ago when I was 49.

One morning, a couple of summers ago, I took my pickup in to the local dealer. Debi was my service advisor. I told Debi that there were three things that I wanted them to do. First and foremost, I said, was to re-charge the air-conditioning. It was the beginning of the summer and the refrigerant in the a/c must be low, because it wasn't cooling at all. It also needed an oil-change and the transmission fluid needed to be checked because the transmission seemed to be slipping a bit. But, that a/c was top priority because it gets really hot where I live. Debi understood, took my information and told me she would call me back when the truck was ready. She never did.

At the end of the day, I returned to the dealer. I waited in line for some time. When it was my turn, Debi said to me, "Well let's see, we were able to change your oil and we drained and refilled your transmission fluid. The one thing we couldn't get to was your air conditioning." Thinking back on it now, Debi strikes me as someone who had dealt with "the public" for some time. It seems to me now that her voice, posture and delivery were set to receive an attack for not addressing the critical repair issue that I had brought the truck in for. I'm sure that was what she was used to and, frankly, it's what I was used to delivering.

Because I had been in pursuit of being more Christlike, I paused. It gave me a chance to make a choice between anger and understanding. My wife, Gwen, used to tell me that I was making a choice to be angry. I never believed her. My excuse was, "this is just me. It's who I am. I can't change. Do you think I want to be angry?" A counsellor once pointed out that I must be getting something positive out of being angry. It was one of the reasons I stopped going to her soon afterwards. Let's just say I've changed my mind.

I said to Debi, "You know what? That's OK. I'll just bring it back another time." The look on her face was worth the price of swallowing my anger. It was a look of disbelief. A curious "What planet did you come from?" kind of look. She gave me the paperwork and I went to the cashier's window to pay for the oil and transmission fluid change.

I went outside and sat down on a bench to wait for my truck to be brought around. And waited....and waited some more. It was still hot outside. Self-pity wanted to come around. It wasn't going to be any better in that truck. Anger tried to bubble-up. Ungratefulness was crouching like a lion, ready to pounce. As I sat in the heat, the thought that I was justified to claim my "right" to expect better service than this trickled out like the perspiration on my brow. I physically shook my head and metaphysically shook my spirit to dispel them all. I took a deep breath and thanked God that I had a truck.

Debi returned to me, smiling and saying, "Kim, I have good news for you!"
"Really?"
"Yes, when I went 'round to get your truck the mechanic was looking for the paperwork. He told me that he had just finished repairing the air conditioner, so you're all set."
"Wow, that's great. OK, let's see, I'll go in and pay for it then."
"Oh no no. This was our mistake. You've already made a trip to the cashier. It's on us."
I didn't argue. I thanked her and drove off in my cool truck.

It grieves me to think of all the "tests" I've failed throughout my life. To think of God patiently trying to teach me to be forgiving and gracious, like Him. Yes, I do still get tested and yes, many times I fail. But sometimes, I slip up and do something right. I'm praying to God that He gives me the strength to extend more grace and forgiveness as the time is right. And it always is...

Peace, Kim

P4E.060 Grace Observed and Received

A few weeks ago, I was part of a team at my workplace that was to submit a Proposal for a big job. It was Karen's (not her real name) responsibility to physically get the Proposal to its destination before the deadline. At around 1:00 pm on the due date she walked into my office saying, "I'm in big trouble." Karen had thought that the Proposal was due at 5:00 pm. It had, in fact, been due at 10:00 am that morning. We called the potential client, but were told that no late Proposals would be accepted. I felt at least partially responsible because I was part of the team. What made matters worse was that the previous week a bid from our company did not make it to the prospective client by the bid-deadline. This was the second time in two weeks that something like this had happened.

Karen was very upset at herself for the mistake that she had made. She felt that this mistake could cost her her job. We tried all day to get a few moments with our boss to let him know. We left phone messages, e-mail and tried to schedule time through his personal assistant. In the late afternoon, he left the building. I was convinced that we shouldn't let this news lie until the next day. I went down to Karen's office and called our boss on my cell phone. He picked up, I put the phone on speaker and Karen shared the news with him.

I won't quote him, but what he said went along these lines:

- Things like this happen sometimes.
- I know you guys worked really hard on that Proposal and it looked good.
- We can use a lot of the material on the next Proposal.
- I know Karen probably already feels terrible about what happened.
- We need to figure out a way to not let that happen again.
- We'll get the next one.
- Thank you for coming to me right away and not trying to hide this thing.

Honestly, it made me want to cry to see the look of relief on Karen's face. The boss had every right to be upset with us that afternoon. But he chose not to be. I felt many good emotions flood through my spirit. Awe and surprise at his response, relief, joy at Karen's reprieve, peace that we were going to be OK, grateful for grace, loyalty to a man who would let us off the hook that way, determination to do better next time, persuaded and excited to follow his example the next time something goes wrong.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea that God could have orchestrated an example of grace so that we could observe it and receive it. Knowing how it feels to receive it, I want to remember to extend it when the time is right. I know the challenge will be that the circumstances will be troubling to me, they will want to make me upset, I will be inconvenienced or truly wronged when the time is right for me to extend grace. God help me, because I know the benefits for the one who receives and the one who grants grace.

Peace, Kim

PS - I wrote an e-mail to my boss thanking him and praising him for extending grace towards Karen. He just replied, "Thanks." They say things happen in threes. A couple of weeks later, our company missed a third bid deadline in a row. Hopefully, we've got it out of our system now!

P4E.059 The Other Side of Grace

My father taught me many things. His teachings had been handed down from generation to generation. I learned what he taught whether I wanted to or not. If the circle remains unbroken, my sons will follow my example and so will their sons.

This is some of what my father taught me:
- complimenting and praising the efforts of others is not necessary.
- no effort on the part of others is good enough.
- to be critical.
- my ways, my ideas, my opinions, my understandings are superior to others' and if they are not in agreement with mine they are stupid.
- to set my expectations of others so high that they would be assured of failure and then I learned how to criticise and condemn them for failing me.
- how to belittle the efforts and decisions of others.
- how not to forgive and how not to extend grace.

My father confirmed for me what he was teaching because when I tried to broach this subject, he very soon thereafter disowned and disinherited me.

When I began to become more self-aware I believed that these were "Chinese" traits. After meeting with, hearing and observing many men I've come to believe it's a curse that afflicts many (most?) men because it has more to do with our flesh nature than our ethnicity. My wife and sons suffered under my example and I'm praying that my efforts to reverse the damage will bear fruit.

What I want to explore here is what I call "the other side of grace." I've found that because I was not "encouraged" in my youth, I never learned to "encourage." I'm uncomfortable with both encouraging and receiving encouragement. Because I did not grow up around someone who could laugh at his own mistakes, I'm uncomfortable with laughing at my own and being around someone who can. Because I did not experience grace from my father, I'm uncomfortable both extending grace and receiving grace. This can be a real hindrance for a professed Believer!

Part of "the other side of grace" is the ability to accept compliments and praise from others graciously. What I learned was how to ignore or downplay or actually contradict the compliments and praise of others. This I tried to pass off innocuously as "modesty." But, what I've come to realize is that under the guise of "modesty" I have truly been ungracious. Worse yet, I've done this in public to my own wife. She has tried to compliment me and praise my efforts to others and I have contradicted her to her face and in front of others. She then rightly felt that her opinions were devalued and was embarrassed and humiliated. I'm trying to learn to be gracious and simply say "Thank you. I appreciate that."

I don't know if this phenomenon is just me... Does this ring a bell with you?

Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim

PS - Part of my quest for spiritual maturity, having identified these deficiencies in my character, has been to move away from placing blame and self-pity. Instead, I'm moving forward to repair what I've broken and taking care to build-up instead of breaking down.