P4E.075 Horse Sense for People

(This is the 14th and last in the predator/prey series, although I may return to the subject from time to time.)

This post is devoted to quotes taken from the book "Horse Sense for People" by Monty Roberts, published by Alfred A. Knopf in 2001. I refer you to that book because Monty Roberts is someone of substance from whom I have drawn many of my ideas. Monty makes me feel comfortable and confident that I'm not the only one who sees things the way I do.

Monty refers to himself as a "horse gentler." He can take what people refer to as an "unbroken" horse and have a saddle and rider up on its back consistently in a little over half-an-hour without using restraint or violence of any sort. For those of you who don't know much about horses, that's an amazing accomplishment. Monty describes something that happens with nearly every horse at some point during that short process:

"The horse turns towards me, walks in close and reaches out to touch my shoulder with its nose. At this precise moment I often hear a gasp from the crowd...Oftentimes women are reduced to tears at the sight of a flight animal accepting and trusting a potential predator. This is no coincidence: it happens too often."

Later Monty gets down to human relationships...

"...you can describe humans as predators, but humans can also be passive, nonviolent and nonaggressive. This curious and perhaps unique mixture of fight and flight, prey and predator is almost always present in our relationships and communications. Women, in particular, have a great ability to identify with the hunted and therefore with horses."

"Male predatorial behavior is far more common than most people would imagine, and it happens in our apparently enlightened society on a scale that I find difficult to comprehend...Women in and out of the workplace are often preyed upon. It is little wonder that women identify with the flight animal."


"The thousands of letters sent to me tell a sad story of the continuing existence of abuse of all kinds, predominantly in the home. How long will it take to raise awareness that violence is never the answer? Many women who watch my work will remark that they wish this lesson could be learned by the male of our species. When a man learns that a nonviolent approach can be far more effective-for himself as well as the prey animal-he understands how wrong violence is."

Amen to that. Peace, Kim

P4E.074 Change

(13th in a series on predator patterning)

Barack Obama is running for President on a platform of "change." Change for the good on a national level is a lofty goal. Except for maybe Obama, we individually have little ability to bring about change (for better or worse) on a national level. Please don't get me wrong. I'm the first to say, "chase your dream." If you believe you can change the world for the better, then chase your dream.

What I am saying is that change for the better starts on a very personal, intimate level. Otherwise, we leave the door open for hypocrisy. For instance, if I publicly take a strong stance against the continuing war in Iraq, but am waging a war of my own at home with my wife, I could rightly be accused of hypocrisy.

Predators do not change. They are very consistent. They act on instinct. They perform according to their predator patterning. Therefore, if I am not to be perceived as a predator, I must:

Step 5: Change for the Better.

Change for the better on a personal level is a lofty goal. I have to be self-aware enough to know that what I am is not "good enough." Ken Nair refers to the "good enough" attitude as "semi-Christlike." My help (read wife) is a good gauge to let me know where I'm falling short. I've never met wife who's said, "I can't stand it. My husband just gives too much!"

Motivation to change is challenged by the Laws of Motion. If my life is moving in a certain direction it's going to take a force to change its direction. The heavier the aspect of my life the more force it will take to change its direction. It takes work and most of us men are not motivated to change if it takes much work.

"...A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, 'Son, go work today in the vineyard.' And he answered 'I will not'; but afterward he regretted it and went. The man came to the second and said the same thing; and he answered, 'I will, sir'; but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?" Matthew 21:28-31

This is the Scriptural version of the maxim, "Actions speak louder than words." They do. I'm challenged by Scripture to change the way I think, act and talk:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man..."
Jesus Christ

"Then the LORD said...if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."
Genesis 4:7 (underline mine)

I am not saying that we need to change from predator to prey. No one wants to be preyed upon. As I said earlier, we are all of us prey to the enemy who would devour us, but we don't have to like it or perpetuate it. I am saying that we need to stop acting like predators towards those who are close to us and who might be considered prey.

Peace, Kim

P4E.073 Broaden Your Mind

(12th in a series on predator patterning)

Another example of single-minded predator intensity is that I get blinders on. I believe there is only one way to accomplish my obscure goals. I put my nose to the grindstone and throw all my efforts into that one way. I don't ask for help or directions. I don't need "alternatives." I have no need to be "creative." My way is right. Don't try to dissuade me or confuse me with facts.

My wife, Gwen, has said to me many times, "What you are doing is not working. Try something different. Anything!" She might say this to my attempts to interact with our sons, or my attempts to apologize after a disagreement or my attempts to encourage her (something I'm terrible at). She has definitely said it to me with regard to my being self-employed for many years.

I've debriefed with Gwen and asked "What could I or should I have done in that situation? What would have worked?" When she's given me a simple, straight-forward, uncomplicated answer, I've responded, "Really? That wouldn't have worked, would it?" Her "I can't believe you're saying that. Don't even start with me!" look gave me my answer.

So, the next phase in subverting our predator patterning is:
Step 4: Broaden Your Mind! Get Creative! Try Something Different!

I've found myself and others I have observed deeply entrenched in a perception of how things are and how they could or should be. Here's a list of subjects (in no particular order) for your consideration about which to broaden your mind, get creative and try something different:

Wife, women, marriage, children, fatherhood, friends, work, place of residence, money, spiritual leadership, change, materialism, child discipline, politics, the USA, illegal immigrants, homosexuals, the Bible, church, religion, religious denominations, time, social justice, the poor, the environment, arguments, encouragement, apologies, values and ideals, the past, the present, the future, driving, entertainment, television, hobbies, etc.... Get the idea?

Do I really believe that my deeply held convictions on these subjects are right and true? By whose standard? How can I be sure? How important is my individual stance on these subjects? What difference am I making by holding such a stance? Am I damaging relationships with those who are close to me by clinging to my narrow thinking? I'm an architect. Part of my job is to be creative. Yet, I can get so stuck!

Sometimes we need help with Step 4. Here's a quote from Ken Nair, founder of Life Partners, that suggests where we can go to get such help:

"Could God be so uncomplicated as to call the help He has provided for you 'help'?"

"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.
I will make a helper suitable for him.' " Genesis 2:18 (NIV)
Of course, then He created woman/wife.

Your Ally in the Pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim

P4E.072 The Wolf and the Lamb

(11th in a series on predator patterning)

I think it is significant that Scripture characterizes the golden age that the Messiah will usher in as a time when "the wolf will lie down with the lamb." I believe that we are used by God to answer our own prayer of "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."

To be available to Him for His use, I need to bring my predator self to a place where I live in peace and harmony with my prey. I'm also responsible to gain the trust of my prey to the point where my prey will trust me enough to be vulnerable and know that it won't taken advantage of .

Predators are single-minded. They are intense. They know what they want and focus all their attention on it.

For me, it has looked like this:

1. I have highly valued, well thought-out opinions (political, religious, moral, child rearing principles, time and money management, music, etc.) and have no problem expressing them. My wife and children are the first to know what these are. I will not tolerate contrary opinions. I will argue like a lawyer to defend my position. (If it ain't country, it ain't music. I'd rather push my Ford than drive a Chevy, you know?)

2. I watch like a hawk (predator) to make sure that these principles are lived out in other's (mostly wife's and children's) lives. When they aren't, I perceive it as weakness. I pounce, like a lion (predator), on other's mistakes, point them out and demand that they are corrected.

3. Physically, the hair might go up on the nape of my neck, I throw my chest out, shoulders back, I jut my chin, lean forward, squint (or explode) my eyes, frown, raise my voice. In other words, I get "big" (which is no small feat for me).

4. When someone is about to do something I disapprove of, I am able to transmit my disapproval by a "look" or a sound. I can transmit my intensity to the unlucky prey from across the room.

So, with that in mind, the next step in overturning my predator patterning is

Step 3: Don't be so Intense!

This is intertwined with Step 1: Purpose to let others go first, because to become less intense I have to give up my opinions, quit focusing on the weaknesses of others to exploit them and suppress the physical attributes of a predator.

I think we've all experienced when someone wants their way and tries all sorts of methods to make it happen. The intensity that those persons use to achieve their demands is what I'm talking about. As usual, it's easy to see it in others but more difficult to identify in ourselves. God help us...

Peace, Kim