P4E.168 My Dad Always Said: Ask Questions

When I'm gone, I want my sons to remember that I always said, "Ask questions."

In the area of communication and relationships, asking questions is key. Asking questions lets the person you're talking to know that you are interested, that you care about them, that you're engaged and aware. When you don't ask questions you lose the opportunity to gain information and understanding.

Asking questions can be a tricky thing. If I ask questions insincerely or sarcastically or in an interrogative manner I will get insincere, sarcastic or curt answers. The outcome of asking questions many times is not only getting the answer to the question. Many times I also gain insight into how the person is feeling, what emotions the questions evoke. If I watch, I see facial expressions and body language that clue me in to the emotions that are stirred by the question and the answer. If I listen closely, I sometimes hear a quiver of painful sorrow, a clearing of the throat that precedes a lie, exasperation, impatience, but also joy and relief.

Of course, the corollary to "ask questions" is "listen to the answers." If I ask and listen in a disinterested fashion, I'm sure to betray that I really don't care.

As a husband, I know that the question that my wife likes very much is,

"What can I do to help?"

That's a question that I'm sure a lot of people would like to hear.

So remember boys, "Ask questions"

Love, Dad

P4E.167 Others First Follow Up

In my last post, I quoted Jesus out of Mark 9:

"If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."

I used to think that Jesus was warning against thinking too highly of one's self. Looking at it again in context, I think Jesus was actually encouraging His disciples (and us) with a roadmap to spiritual leadership and success.

We hear a lot of Bible teaching at church, but very little in the way of day-by-day application of how it would look to live out what we read there. I hear a lot of expository teaching on who Christ is as opposed to what the "cults" believe. A lot of distinguishing between what "we" believe and what "they" believe. About what "saves" you and what leaves you going to Hell. We hear preaching against abortion and evolution and homosexuality. But, in the end, we hear very little in the way of practical advice and encouragement to be "little Christs."

But, in Mark 9, I believe Jesus was telling the way. He was saying,

"If you want to be the greatest follower of Me, die to yourself. Make yourself last. Serve."

And for us husbands, we have a perfect proving ground. A perfect testing ground for me to gauge how able I am to love in a self-sacrificial way. My marriage. My wife. The question always gets asked, "What if my wife rejects my attempts at Christlikeness?" My response is, "Well, I guess I just found out how Christ feels when His people reject Him."

Questions:

Did He give up on His people?
Did He express self-sacrifical love conditionally?
Did He withdraw His servanthood and sulk?
Is there such a thing as "Christlike enough" or "too Christlike?"

But, did (does) it hurt Him when He was (is) rejected? It hurt Him enough that He wept over Jerusalem. It hurt Him enough for Him to tell parables about losing a treasure, having a son take his inheritance and leave home, having a son killed by tenants.

We can use the rejection of a wife as an excuse to stop trying or we can feel deeply and continue to serve. My personal experience is that few women do reject their husband's sincere pursuit of Christlikeness.

Peace, Kim

P4E.166 My Dad Always Said: "Others First"

When I'm gone, I hope that my sons will remember me for saying, "Others first." This is the quintessential Christian message of love and self-sacrifice. When the rubber meets the road, it's not an easy sell on this one. It goes very contrary to American culture, which says: "get ahead," "you've got to look out for numero-uno, because no one else is going to," "second place is last place," and "nice guys finish last."

The idea of "others first" carries a spiritual value that is at direct odds with worldly values. I've come to believe that spiritual maturity can be gauged by how able one is to put others first. When we are babies, all we can think about is "I'm wet. I'm hungry. Feed me and make me comfortable." Around about two, especially if we have a sibling, the idea of "sharing" gets introduced. For most of us it doesn't go over very well at first. As time goes by, we become more and more aware of others and (in my view) we grow more mature. In this sense, Christ reached full maturity when He died on the cross and bore our sins onto Himself. The ultimate self-sacrifice.

Like I said, it's not an easy sell. But, I find it invaluable in marriage. Scripture is pretty clear about the self-sacrifice God expects from husbands. Marriage is an incredibly valuable testing ground for gauging how well I'm doing at dying to myself and preferring my wife's values, opinions, desires, goals and life over my own. It's the ultimate "others first" test. God help me to succeed.

"If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all." Jesus

Blessings, Kim

P4E.165 Something Had to Give

Photo from Flickr by Brian Carlson, Houston, Texas

In my last post, I simply said "uncle." Something had to give. I love to write. It is my "play." But, I make every attempt not to write while I have time to be with my wife and son. Therefore, the writing for this blog takes place only in the early morning, at lunch time and some late evenings. With my work, my responsibilities as a husband and a father and an upcoming backpacking trip to the High Sierras I felt so much pressure! So, I just cried, "uncle" and decided to let the writing go for a time. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression in stopping so abruptly.

I admit, there were other reasons for stopping as well. I kind of got distracted from my purpose in writing here. I do not moderate this blog, my friend Jim does. Jim tells me that there are not many who visit this blog. Even fewer actually leave a comment. Of those, many of the comments I get are mean-spirited and Jim just deletes them. I had to remind myself that my purpose in writing here has never been to be popular or agreed with. This writing is cathartic for me. I write to journal what I'm experiencing and learning. If anyone is blessed or touched in some way or convicted by what I'm writing, then so much the better. If I upset others, I'll have to live with that. But, I'm reminding myself that I'm really writing for me. It's my play time. My hobby time.

So, I'm going to resume. My backpacking trip to the High Sierras is over and it was great (I'll write something about that). Maybe I'll post at a slower pace. Maybe not. I'm praying that I'll be more focused and determined to make time for me. So I won't have to cry "uncle" again.

Blessings, Kim