P4E.199 People Pleaser

It's been my nature to want to look good in front of other people. To keep up a facade. To mask my real nature with a superficial veneer of goodness. I especially employ this tactic at church gatherings. Sunday mornings. Wednesday night men's Bible study. Couples group. Do you know what I mean?

In some ways the local church atmosphere and expectation fosters this hypocrisy in us men. I do not really want to acknowledge that Christ's ways are not being followed at home and therefore, things are not going well there. So, underneath the surface of calm and peace that one would expect to see in a Christlike man, turmoil churns and wreckage is hidden. What churches promote is that, no matter what the circumstances, if I place all of my trust in God I will experience order, consistency, calm and peace in my life. But, if I'm the poor sod who doesn't experience that peace, then by default I must not be trusting God enough. So what happens is that I end up putting the cart before the horse. I say to myself, "If I portray a calm and peaceful exterior, one that suggests that I am a man of God, then other people will think I am and therefore, I WILL BE!"

Unhappily, my wife and children know the real me. The one they've lived with day in and day out. The one who is "semi-Christlike." At home I am selfish, impatient, temperamental, inconsistent, harsh, opinionated, angry, and unfaithful in my heart. But, when I am in public I cannot let out that this is going on. So, I put on a mask that let's others think that all is well with me and my family. This is hypocrisy of the first order. The Whitewashed Tomb Syndrome.

People used to come up to my wife and say, "Kim is such a nice guy, so calm, I can't imagine him every losing his temper." My gracious wife would reply, "You know, I thought the same thing when I first met him."

It's easy enough to judge Big Government or Mega Corporations or Televangelists for their hypocrisy. But, the challenge is that whatever and however I am judging, it may be that I'm calling others out for the very things I myself am guilty of.

The thing is that God is light and in Him there is no darkness. Scripture says, "But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light...Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise." God's light penetrates right through the veil I have over my life. It blasts off the mask. It exposes the dark tomb that I've whitewashed.

Yes, I place partial responsibility on the churches out there for fostering an atmosphere that does not encourage its people to be real. But, ultimately, I know that I cannot pin my hopes for a good relationship with God on my church status. Scripture also encourages, "And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them." I believe that I'm to start with myself by being real, by "confessing our sins one to another." I have to start by acknowledging that I'm not where I should be in relation to God or my family or my other relationships. If I'm hiding, covering up, smoothing over, then I know I'm in trouble. The question is, "Who do I think I'm fooling when I behave in this way?" Certainly NOT HIM! Not the all-knowing, all-seeing GOD!

I know that God's ways work, if I will just use them. I CAN ACTUALLY BE the Godly man I want to portray to others. I CAN be consistent in my private personal and my public life. God help me to be!

P4E.198 Straight-Line Thinker

"Women are not always looking for answers to the questions they ask. They are looking for conversation as a means to gaining an entrance into their husband's heart." Ken Nair

I've previously written a bunch on the predator/prey relationship between men and women. One of the characteristics of predators is that they are "straight-line" thinkers. What that means for me, as a man (and an architect/engineer to boot), is that when my wife, Gwen, comes and tells me of a problem, my brain goes into problem-solving mode.

Ken Nair tells the story of a wife who comes to her husband and says, "I have a headache." The husband's immediate response is "Well, did you take some aspirin?" (If you don't know what's wrong with that, we have to talk!)

Straight-line thinking may be useful in certain areas of life, but I'm finding it's rarely so in relationships. Analysis and straight-line solutions are rarely what Gwen is looking for from me when she wants to talk. In fact, I would definitely get into trouble if I acted on most of my analysis and solutions.

A straight-line approach does not allow for an exchange of ideas, asking questions, or interaction. It's disconnected and doesn't take into account the nuance of words and body language and voice inflection. I find that I might be well into a conversation with Gwen until my dull-wits realize that something really important is going on. Before I realize that what we're talking about isn't REALLY what we're talking about. That there's an emotional/spiritual aspect to the topic being discussed.

There was a time when we would be in conversation and I would blurt out "how I REALLY felt" about a topic. I would really get into trouble if the first words out of my mouth were, "Well, to be BRUTALLY honest..." Somehow, Gwen never really was ministered to by those conversations. The danger I found in what Ken Nair says in the quote above is that when Gwen gained entrance into my heart, she didn't like what she found there. And neither did I!

In Scripture, Jesus says, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." If my heart is in a predatory place, I can be very predatory with my words and dangerous to Gwen's spirit. But, if my heart is full of the fruit of the Spirit then my mouth will speak words that are loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-controlled.

God help me to avoid straight-line thinking and predatory behavior! (And you too!)

"Don't just look at the words she is saying. What is going on in her heart that is making her say what she is saying? She needs understanding." Ken Nair

P4E.197 God is Light. In Him There is No Darkness at All

An annoying thing is happening out in front of my house every night. We live on a corner and there's a street light there. Lately, every few minutes, the light will suddenly go out, plunging the corner into darkness. After a few seconds it will flicker back to life, dimly. Then, slooowly, it will, by degrees, regain its former luminosity. Only to repeat the process in another few minutes. It's not only annoying; it's dangerous!

Scripture says,
"God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..." I John 1:5-7

And my friend and mentor, Ken Nair, says,
"We don't want God's reputation sullied because we men don't follow His ways. We want our lives to be a witness of the value of Christianity."

I periodically remind whoever is reading this blog that I am not writing from "on high" having arrived anywhere but where I happen to be at the moment. I trudge along. I trip and fall. I get up. I trudge some more. And yes, sometimes (hopefully, more often than not) I can walk upright and even skip and dance. But, I try to be leery about getting too comfortable and taking my walk for granted.

My journey's quest, that is to say, what I'm searching for is CONSISTENCY.

I don't want to be like that unreliable street light in front of my house, periodically plunging into dangerous darkness. Scripture doesn't say that God is "a flickering light." He and His Word are a bright and steady "lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path" which guide me"in the paths of righteousness." I'm constantly rediscovering how important the Holy Scriptures are to the consistency of my Belief, my ability to follow His ways and consequently, my marriage. God, be my help!

P4E.196 Help Wanted

I experienced an unusual physical circumstance that was amazingly contrary to my last post. Another opportunity for learning!

The company I work for does a lot of work for the military. I was required to get a "RapidGate" pass to gain entrance to the military bases we are working on. I did all of the necessaries to identify myself and waited about two weeks until the physical pass was ready for me to pick up. Since the location that I had to go to was about an hour and a half away, I called to verify that the pass was indeed, ready to pick up. A young woman answered the call, checked and informed me that my pass was there and ready to issue.

When I got to the office, I waited only a little while before my name was called. I told the young man (a civilian, not military) why I was there. He took me over to where the passes were kept in a drawer. I noticed as we walked over that he was moving pretty slowly. He sat down on a stool and rubbed his face with his hands. "I'm really tired," he said matter-of-factly. He reached over to open the drawer with a big yawn. He took out a stack of cards about 2" thick held together with a rubber band. He took the rubber band off and began to slowly, one by one, go through the deck. About a third of the way through the deck, he asked, "What's your name?" I told him and he continued to thumb through the deck. "What's your name, again? Let me see your driver's license." I showed him. Periodically he would rub his face and say "I'm tired," and yawn. Finally, he got through the entire deck. He looked up at me blankly and said, "It's not here." His voice and demeanor clearly said, "You're screwed and I'm not going to do a damn thing to help you."

I explained that I had called to verify that the pass was ready before I drove an hour and a half to get there and that a young woman had checked for me. He leaned back, folded his arms, surveyed the area behind the counter (where there was NO young woman) and asked, "Who did you talk to?"

"I didn't get a name, but it was a young woman." He gestured behind the counter and said "There ain't no young woman here." I remained calm and told him again that whoever I talked to had checked and told me my pass was ready. He shook his head and began to thumb through the stack again. While he was doing that I happened to look down into the drawer that he had pulled the stack out of. There was a white envelope there and just underneath it I thought I saw another, smaller, stack of the same type of cards. "Is that another stack of cards there?" I asked. He ignored me. He finished going through the stack and gave me the same dull look. "It's not here." Pointing to the drawer, I asked again "Is that another stack of cards there?" He did not look into the drawer, but looked me in the eyes and said "You just don't believe me, do you?" "It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that I was told my pass was ready and I think there's another stack of cards in the drawer." "There's no other cards." "Look," I pointed, "Are you sure that isn't another stack of cards just under that white envelope?" He reluctantly lifted the envelope and lo-and-behold there was another rubber-banded stack of cards. He did not say a word, but took the rubber band off and started looking through the new deck with the same vigor. Of course, mine was the very last card that he looked at in that deck. He took it out and placed it inside a protective plastic cover and handed it to me. "Thanks," I said and left the building.

When I looked more closely, he had put the card in the protective cover upside down. He never did ask me to produce the "two forms of identification" that were absolutely required to issue the card.

That type of thing doesn't happen every day and I'm wondering what you would make of it? (I have my thoughts...)