P4E.236 Drinking the Christian Kool-Aid

First, an explanation of the Kool-Aid reference. Sometimes we make references to cultural events that are lost on readers because we don't share a common understanding. For those who don't recall or are not old enough to remember, in November of 1978, 909 members of a religious cult called Peoples Temple, and led by a man named Jim Jones, committed mass suicide by drinking Kool-Aid laced with cyanide in Jonestown, Guyana. It was the largest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until the events of September 11, 2001. Since that time, the phrase "drinking Kool-Aid" has come to mean blindly following the instructions of or adhering to the beliefs of an authority or institution or leadership, to the point of self-harm.

My son, Ben, has a friend who has served in the military in Afghanistan. The friend's duties included teaching Afghan soldiers various subjects. Ben's friend told him that the task is sometimes hampered by the Muslim belief system of the Afghan soldiers. As an example, the soldiers do not believe in gravity. They believe that the hand of Allah holds them down on the earth and that at any time he could remove his hand and they would fly away into space. Another example is that they do not believe in germs.

Upon hearing these things, I'm sure many of you had the same reaction I had; "How backward. How Medieval. How ignorant." And yet, the Christian community has its own Kool-Aid that it drinks. Let's take the example of evolution. The Christian community has gone to all sorts of gyrations to counter the idea of evolution.To drink this Christian Kool-Aid, one must also believe in a literal 6 days of creation, an extremely short life span of the earth, and dinosaurs co-existing with humans.  The Christian community has made belief in evolution tantamount to heresy. It would rather fight over this issue than do the work that Christ charged it with.

How does it make sense that many Christians believe in the virgin birth, but have trouble with transubstantiation? Other examples of drinking the Christian Kool-Aid (at least in America) include:

- Super-Patriotism
- Unquestioning support for the U.S. Military
- Alignment with the conservative Republican Party
- Fawning over Rush Limbaugh
- Disdain for anything Obama

I'm not saying that one doesn't have the legal/constitutional right to pursue the above, just please don't sully the name of Christ by associating Christianity with it. We NEED separation of church and state to protect the Church! Stay out of politics. Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's and to God the things that are God's!

Lastly, because this blog has its roots in ministering to marriages in crisis, I thought I would share some of the Kool-Aid that the Christian community wants us to drink in regard to marriage.

In his book, Discovering the Mind of a Woman, Ken Nair points out four male prejudices (what I'm calling Christian Kool-Aid) that he has identified among men towards women (and therefore their wives):

1. Women are impossible to understand!
2. Women are the real problem!
3. Women are inferior to men.
4. Men are supposed to be the boss.

You might have the same reaction as above, "How backward! How positively Medieval! How ignorant." And, you would be right. But, how many times have I heard a pastor in the pulpit express these very thoughts. Sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtly. "You know those women. They're from Venus! Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em!" (wink wink). Even the women in the congregation will laugh! How many times has a husband conveyed these same ideas to me during a conversation about his wife? I can tell you: Lots!

The time has come to take the Christian community to task. To assault the paradigm that it requires of us to remain a part of it. To push the limits. To refuse to drink the Christian Kool-Aid. To challenge some of the Christian community's tenets because they stand in the way of ministering to and loving a needy world.

P4E.235 Blowing in the Wind

Peter Paul & Mary, 1966

Gwen and I recently watched this video and it really hit me this time. I've heard the song before.These are timeless questions. Sure, there are parts of the song that have a protest aspect to them. But, they are also relational. The lyrics that caught my ear were "How many times can a man turn his head And pretend that he just doesn't see" I can imagine many wives (including my own) asking this question about their husbands. And I can also imagine their resonating with the idea that "The answer is blowing in the wind."

What we have (I had) is not so much a marriage problem as a Christianity problem. In the ways that we fall short of godliness, of Christlikeness, we fall short as husbands and fathers, brothers and sons, friends and fellow travelers. God does not turn His head and pretend that he just doesn't see. God not only sees all, but He observes, He takes in, He evaluates, He understands, He cares, and He responds.

I realize that I can wallow in the melancholy of blowing in the wind, or be encouraged to dispel the questions that haunt me. I know many of the reasons why I think the way I think and act the way I do. And they can be overcome. In the movie Ben Hur, Messala tells Sextus "you ask how to fight an idea. Well, I'll tell you how... with another idea!" In our time, and in our marriages, the idea is Christianity. And, at its heart, Christianity is self-sacrificial.

The secular world believes, and the contemporary church has bought into the idea, that marriage is a 50-50 proposition. It should be fair. It should be even. Justice should prevail. But, Scripture tells us husbands that we should love our wives like Christ loved the church, and laid Himself down for her. Not fair. Not even. Not just. One man sacrificed himself for the good of the others. This is the other idea; in my opinion, a better idea. The idea that a husband should lead by sacrificing himself for the good of his wife. In obedience to Christ's teachings, we die to ourselves. We are crucified with Him. We prove we are our wife's best friend by laying down our life. Not fair. Not even. Not just. But, BETTER than fair, BETTER than even and BETTER than just. Ken Nair has said that "fairness compromises godliness." I believe he's right.

I was not old enough in the 60's to understand what was going on. But what I see in the Peter Paul & Mary video is passion. We've lost that same sort of passion. Yes, there is passion out there, but it is a self-absorbed "what's best for ME" passion. Obviously, Dylan and Peter Paul & Mary wrote and sang this song to encourage people out of there apathy. To get passionate. To care. So, I recommit to NOT looking the other way and pretending not to see. I commit to NOT letting the answer blow in the wind. And, God help me, I will start with the ones closest to me.

Blowing in the Wind
Music and Lyrics by Bob Dylan ©1963

How many roads must a man walk down
Before they call him a man
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand
How many times must the cannonballs fly
Before they are forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many years must a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea
How many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free
How many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky
How many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry
How many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

P4E.234 - The Look on Her Face

"Hurt" by Anthony Duce

Not too long ago, my wife, Gwen, and I were with a group of people. At one point, while Gwen was talking, someone said something and Gwen got a look on her face. There was frustration and pain. It was a look of exasperation and hurt. The look said "I give up." It said, "I feel disrespected." It was a fleeting look and she quickly recovered and continued her conversation.

The embarrassing thing is that the look registered with me; I remember thinking at the time, wow, I don't often see that look. I hope Gwen's alright. But, after we left the gathering, I didn't remember to follow up with her.

A couple of days later, Gwen revisited that conversation and it was only then that I remembered the look. I say I was embarrassed because it sort of felt like Gwen was reminding me that she'd been shot a couple of days ago and I forgot to inquire about how she felt. Now, she didn't rub it in or anything, but I was more than a little mortified. The reason is that I am supposed to hold a position of spritual leadership. That means that I'm responsible to be aware of the spirits of those under my care. And certainly, Gwen is one of those. I'm reminded that I can become lax, callous, and unfeeling. I can be forgetful and a procrastinator.

It's weird, because as a businessman, I have been taught to pay attention to body language and voice inflection to read people in negotiations. It's especially important to observe the face and especially the eyes to gain insight into where someone is at in their emotions and psyche. As businessmen we do this to gain some advantage in negotiations. To pinpoint some weakness. To catch a lie. To find an opening for compromise. To exploit a fault.

But, as a husband, I need to remember to observe and to observe for different reasons. With Gwen, I need to watch her face, to listen to her voice inflection, to observe her body language to read her emotions. To read her spirit for the purpose of ministering to her. You may wonder what I mean. I've realized that when I talk about spiritual matters they will, or should, be couched in some form of Galatians 5 spirit language. That is, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Or the lack thereof.

When I sense that Gwen is not experiencing this fruit, then it's my responsibility to be there to do what I can to tend to her spirit. What can be even worse is when I'm the cause of her spiritual drop. Then I must not only quit sabatoging her spirit, I must move to repair the damage. This is a huge responsibility. But, I've come to believe that that's exactly what I signed up for when I became her husband. Now I gladly accept my work. And. it is work.

Jesus said, "My Father is always at his work, to this very day, and I, too, am working." My work includes belief. Belief includes action. Jesus encouraged Peter to express his love for Him by tending His lambs. So, in a way, Gwen is my lamb to tend. Given me by God to watch over. God help me in my work.

P4E.233 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 10

I am the last person who should be writing about self sacrificial love, because I have so little experience. What will follow, then, are humble suggestions; a few from my poor experience and some from my imagination.

Continuing with the idea of letting others go first, there is a lot of precedence for this in Scripture. This idea enmeshes the actions in the world with the spiritual consequences of those actions. So, when Jesus responds to the rich young ruler's inquiry about how he can enter the kingdom of heaven by telling him to sell his earthly goods, give the proceeds to the poor and follow Him, He's really giving the rich young ruler a path to Spiritual belief. A path to expressing love. What Jesus is saying is: put others first in a worldly sense to express love and believe that by doing so, you will gain Spiritual benefits. You will be on the path to the kingdom of heaven.

Don't feel bad if this strikes you as counter-intuitive. In spite of being directly under Jesus' influence, His Disciples found it hard to embrace self-sacrifice, as well. They bickered over who would be greatest in Christ's kingdom. They wanted to be seated one on the right and one on the left of Jesus' throne. These were positions of great honor and they wanted to occupy them with Jesus. Jesus consistently counselled against these aspirations. He said that we should resist the urge to put ourselves in a position of honor, because we risked the disgrace of being asked to move out of the way for someone more deserving of that honor. Instead, He suggested that we take a humble position, which would allow for the opportunity to be moved to a position of higher honor. That could not be the motive for taking the humble position, but only as a gesture of true humility.

We have had our shining examples of selflessness. Mother Theresa. Ghandi. Dr. Rick Hodes (if you've never heard of him, check out Making the Crooked Straight). Dr. Albert Schweitzer. Jesus, Himself. But, when we idolize or immortalize these, we make them inaccessible. We set them apart from ourselves and believe that we could never approach their selflessness. But, we shouldn't excuse ourselves from making the effort to emulate these examples. We can't just throw up our hands and say, "Well, I could never be like that, so I'm not even going to try." I use them as encouragement to go forth and sacrifice my Self. To pursue humility. To crucify my ego. To consider others more important than myself. To put others first. Especially my wife.