P4E.249 Coming Out as a Non-Church Going Believer

Back in 2007, I left a comment on a blog post by Mark Galli, where I mentioned that we were no longer attending traditional church services on Sundays. As you see below, he asked for some more information and below that is my response. It has become a sort of primer on why we are not attending traditional church on Sunday. It's not just young Christians leaving church and rethinking faith. This is my "coming out" as a Believer who is no longer a church-goer.
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Kim,

I very much appreciate your comments here. Frankly, as a person committed to the traditional church, I've not had much sympathy for people who have chosen your path, so I'd like to understand you better.

In particular, would you be open to telling me what you mean when you say you found yourself closer to God, each other, and to those we minister to. I'd like to get a better picture of what this "church" looks like for you, week by week. The more details the better.

This would be a big service to me, and ultimately the magazine.

Grace and peace,

Mark

Mark Galli
Senior Managing Editor
Christianity Today
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Dear Mark,

I'm really amazed that an editor of Christianity Today would make this inquiry to me (of all people). Thanks! I'm grateful for the chance to respond.

In forming a response, I realize that there are so many caveats to be made. I want to be careful not to "church bash."   I want to be careful not to sound "superior" in my choice not to attend an established church. I don't want to imply that all churches suffer from the same problems. I don't want to come off as dogmatic, because what works for my family and me might not work for others. We don't "judge" others for attending traditional church. What you get here is one family's response, at this time, to its own personal interaction and history with "church" in Southern California. At the same time, any stated reasons for not attending a traditional church must reveal shortcomings that I believe have caused my family and me to stop attending.

As I mentioned, we resonate, in large part, with what George Barna's book "Revolution" describes. We resonate with the idea that "millions of believers have moved beyond the established church and chosen to be the church instead" (emphasis his). I'd really encourage you to read "Revolution."

I think there are some generalities that apply:

- Most established churches require you to buy into a whole set of "beliefs" that, many times, do not unify but separate you from other bodies of Believers.

My wife and I both grew up as Catholics. We left the Catholic Church in our twenties and began attending "Protestant, non-denominational, evangelical, Christian churches" (what a mouthful!). Each denomination (and even "non-denomination") seeks to distinguish itself from the others by some nuance of theology or tradition. These denominational differences partition the overall church and plays into (what I believe to be) the Enemy's strategy to divide and conquer.

- Put bluntly, traditional churches act as a crutch for many marginal Believers (see, that makes me sound superior, doesn't it?).

A pastor may actually joke that just because you park yourself in a pew doesn't make you a Christian any more than parking yourself in a garage makes you a car. But, the fact is that many marginal Believers do just that. This crutch causes many to think that because they "belong" to a church their relationship to Christ is established and ongoing.

- What one experiences at many churches is a façade.

Traditional church can fool one into believing that being busy with church activities equates with furthering one's relationship with Christ. Bible studies, men's groups, ushering, worship team, children's ministry, homeless outreach, etc. Who would say a bad thing about them? No one would. But, I know from my own experience that I participated in many of them while my heart was dark, empty, shut-down and downright rebellious towards God. On the inside I was dead. On the outside (at church) I looked like an engaged spiritual leader who took his walk with God seriously. Of course, this can happen whether one is attending traditional church or not. I think church can facilitate fooling others and oneself.

The façade starts from the top down. Many pastors are not willing to be transparent enough to let their congregation know that they aren't perfect. They get up on Sunday morning and deliver their sermon on the way things should be, never acknowledging where they are. This trickles down through the board, the worship team, the different ministries and the congregation at large. So we all end up looking like whitewashed tombs.

- There is little accountability in church communities.

In an effort to attract any and all potential churchgoers, many churches forgo any judgment/ discernment regarding the actions of its congregants. My wife and I minister to couples (mostly "Christian") who are in crisis in their marriages. So, for example, we come a cross a couple in which the husband is a worship leader at his church and is also verbally, spiritually and maybe even physically abusive to his wife. He may be actively involved in extra-marital affairs, which are well known in the community. When we advise the church, we are, in essence, ignored. The church will make every excuse to stand behind their "worship leader" and may even blame the wife. Pastors seem to be the most invulnerable to these (many times substantiated) allegations. Pastors also seem to be the most un-teachable people when it comes to marriage.

- Some churches serve to further traditions that have no basis in Scripture.

I don't agree with everything that the "emerging church" has to say. But, I do resonate with the idea that "liturgy" does not have its basis in Scripture and that there are infinite varieties of liturgy that can bring one closer to God. Opening prayer, announcements, worship music, sermon, alter call combined with more worship music, closing prayer, exit by more worship music, refreshments and sign-ups for ministries. It doesn't have to be that way…..

On a personal note, we came to the place where we don't attend traditional church by coming closer to divorce than I want to think about. I had been so offensive, so un-godly, so angry to my wife and family that I almost lost them. At that time, 6 years ago, I had been married 24 years. God used a "para-church" ministry called Life Partners, founded by Ken Nair, author of "Discovering the Mind of a Woman." www.lifepartners.org

Through the intervention of my wife, friends, God and Life Partners I believe that I became "born again" again. (Sounds heretical, doesn't it?) I had become a Christian when I was 16 and after a brief enthusiasm had been on a slow slide ever since. Now, at 51, I do feel closer to God, to my wife, and to those we minister to because:

- I am much more consistent in my public and private lives. I no longer feel like I'm a whitewashed tomb.
- I believe my relationship with my wife is mirror of my relationship with God. Both are now much better, each because the other is better.
- With my wife's help, I have become more transparent, confessing my sins to her and those close to us in Life Partners.
- We really are transparent with each other, confessing our sins to one another, praying for each other, and spiritually ministering to each other.

We can do this because the masks have come off. We realize that we are all in the same sinful boat and are encouraging each other towards Christlikeness. We do this without the games, the religious phoniness, the liturgy, the "worship" music, the sermons, the cliques, the programs, etc.

You asked what this looks like on a weekly basis. Life Partners begins with a weekend "Discovery Seminar." Afterwards, Life Partners initially asks for a 3-year commitment. We are in our 5th year and the leaders of our groups average, say, 10 years. Our Life Partners group meets in rented rooms at a church on Tuesday nights for 2-1/2 hours. Every other week there is either a live or taped speaker for about an hour to 1-1/2 hours. These speakers ostensibly focus on marriage issues, but in reality Life Partners is a discipleship ministry that encourages men to become the spiritual leaders that God intended them to be.

Marriages and relationships improve as the men become more aware of how their flesh is running their lives and decide to engage in the spiritual fight. The balance of the time is spent in what could be described as "group-therapy." Every other week is "all-group." We are led in discussions about what is going on in our lives, confessing our sins, and how we can respond in Christlike ways.

We pray for each other. We become entwined in each other's lives. We have friends. They are our church community. As I said, we pay for the privilege of attending. I consider it a tithe. I know that Life Partners does not encourage its participants to eschew traditional church attendance.

During the rest of the week, we find that other couples are referred to us for help in their marriages. We believe that this is an especially important niche of ministry and become close to those who are serious about improving their marriages and relationship to Christ.

To us, this is "church." We believe that ours is a robust relationship with Christ. (Have you noticed that "robust " is a new buzzword, as well as "resonate?") That's probably more than you ever wanted to know. I would be glad to go into this further or answer more questions, if you have any.

Kim

P4E.248 What Lasts?

My wife, Gwen, has a way of getting to the heart of matters. She has always advocated people over things. She has always valued relationships over stuff. It has not always been so clear for me. But, with her help, my mind and values have become more and more clear.

From time to time, you hear people say things like, "When men die, they don't wish that they had spent more time at work." Meaning, that dying men usually wish they'd spent more time with their family. But, it doesn't seem to bother us living men too much. We still act as though we value work more than family.

So, what should we value? What has lasting value? What should we be devoting our time, energy, and resources to? I'm not going to dismiss work out of hand. If you have a job that you are truly passionate about, that produces something of lasting value that impacts many lives, then your work does count. But, this is a very relative and subjective discussion. For instance, a person could be very passionate about counterfeiting money. That could affect a lot of people's lives!

Relationships have lasting value, because they are spiritual.  Every physical thing that we can sense around us will pass away. Everything. But, our spirits are eternal. Memories have lasting value. Impressions about character, or lack thereof, have lasting value. Traditions, and stories and anecdotes and quotes and music and art and poetry have lasting value. The things that affect our senses and our spirits stick with us. I can remember that Gwen used to wear a strawberry lip gloss when we were young. The fragrance of that strawberry lip gloss has left an indelible mark in my memory. Every time I smell something like it, I'm transported back to those days.

Since this blog is directed towards men who are interested in bettering their marriages, I'll be plain. The way that we handle ourselves around our wives and children leaves a lasting impression on them. When we have explosive, emotional, interactions with them damage occurs. Brains cells are rearranged. Memories are made. Character is established. Spirits are crushed. Stories will be told. I have an acquaintance who's abusive step-father lived in a trailer and kept an electric coffeemaker on continuously. To this day, the smell of burned coffee makes her physically ill. She wishes she could forget.

But, kindnesses are also remembered. Acts of love, acts of help, acts of compassion all create lasting memories. A patient, joyful, kind, gentle, helpful, faithful man will be long remembered. His memory will be passed on in a verbal tradition by his wife and children, co-workers and friends. His spirit will live.

The choice really is ours. Our words will last. Jesus said, "Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away." How will we be remembered? What verbal traditions will be passed on about us? What will be the lasting impression that we leave? What stories will be told? Will those close to us be haunted by or cherish the memories that we create with them? We choose.

P4E.247 Enrique Says...

There was a lull in our garage sale. It was already warm that mid-morning and all of the serious pickers had come and gone. A car pulled up and a small, Hispanic, man got out and walked up into our driveway. He was dressed in khaki beige hat, shirt and shorts with sandals. We said, "Good Morning" and he began to look over our remaining treasures.

To make conversation, I said "It's going to be a hot day today!" The man nodded and was silent for a minute as he continued to browse. Then, he said, " Jyou know...so many people...they complain...eets too hot...eets too cold. Een the morning...eef I open my eyes...eef I breathe the air in...I so happy! I jess glad to be alive...jyou know?" He was gesturing with his hands, exploding his fingers away from his eyes and gathering the air into his lungs. I agreed with him. I was surprised and touched by this little man's  bit of driveway philosophy. "What is your name?", I  asked. "Enrique."

Enrique continued, "Why should I complain? Everyone's in so much of a hurry, jyou know? Eef I see someone come behind me in the car...I move over...I get out of the way..I let them go by!" He steps aside and gestures to pass. Then he throws his hands in the air and tilts his head as if trying to understand the mentality of the impatient motorist. "I jess glad to be alive, jyou know?" "Sometimes life eets hard...I hurt my back and my knee workeen, so I'm on disability right now." I hadn't noticed the brace on his knee until he pointed it out. "I use to own a house over here, but I lost it. Now, I rent an apartment. But, I have my wife...I have my jyoung sons...I have enough to eat...I open my eyes in the morning...I breathe the air in...Why should I complain?"

Gwen had been listening, and said "You should be a pastor!" Enrique blushed, spread his hands, and said, "But, you see, I don't have the religion!" Gwen and I both protested, "But, you do!" Trying to reassure Enrique, I confessed to him, "We don't go to church either, Enrique. We don't think that you have to go to church to "have the religion."" Enrique nodded. He said, "Let me tell you somesing. I used to live in L.A. and you know they built that church there for 200 millions of dollars! Think what could be done with that money! There are peoples, children in Africa..." Here, Enrique put his fingertips together and motioned to his mouth. "They have nothing to eat! And, the church spends 200 millions on a building! Well, you don't have to go so far as Africa. You only have to go to Mexico. This is why I don't have the religion."

Well, we exchanged phone numbers and I intend to stay in touch with Enrique. I want to hear more of what Enrique says. If he doesn't have the religion, then neither do I.

This post has been shared at L.L. Barkat's

P4E.246 What If?

What if church were a different kind of place? The landscape of "church" could be a very different place if the premises of "church" were changed.

For instance, why does there need to be a charismatic "pastor," who represents himself as all-knowing and teaches from an "on-high" pulpit? Why can't there be a group of humble men and women, who never imagined that they would be leaders who lead by example?

What if church were interactive, instead of a monologue? It's a very paternal configuration, because let's face it, most pastors are MEN who deliver a monologue that makes them appear to be teaching from a position of authority, when in fact, they are just as fallible as the rest of us.

What if, instead of badgering, cajoling, browbeating or tricking you into "accepting Christ into your heart" a church simply said, "We love you. What can we do for you?"

What if the church moved away from the "worship music" that dominates its formulaic service? When it was a couple of guys on acoustic guitars you used to be able to actually hear and "commune" with God and those worshipping in song around you. And, does it have to be singing, anyway?

Every church seems to be a glorified self-help ministry, trying desperately to make sure that their congregation's egos are intact, their men are wild at heart and that their lives are "purpose driven."

What if, instead of buying into the world's idea of what a man should be (ie, brash, bold, haughty, stoic, arrogant, loud, aggressive, strong, selfish, materialistic, predatory), churches taught their men to be mild, gentle, kind, meek, thoughtful, patient, peaceful, joyful and loving?

What if, instead of a "What We Believe" section in every website or bulletin there were a "How Can We Make a Positive Difference in Your Life?" section?

And then there's the money. The money, the money, the money.

What if the donations made by congregations went to a third-party administered trust? Say, a reputable accounting firm. The money could be accounted for and distributed where it was truly needed without the temptation of mis-spending it.

Why does something of a spiritual nature, something that most acknowledge is made up of people, need to be constructed of brick and mortar? Shouldn't churches be going the way of the book and record stores?

What if the church existed "in the cloud?" Then there would be no need for rent or lease or mortgage payments. There would be no need to provide a huge sanctuary with lighting and sound systems and flat screens. There's staff salaries and landscaping and irrigation and building maintenance and telephones, etc. All of these costs misdirect the money away from reaching out to the community in more tangible ways.

What if, instead of harping on theological differences between denominations and non-denominations, the church dropped the arguing and focused on the BASICS.

What if the church simply focused on loving God and loving our neighbors as ourselves? What if it came down to caring for widows and orphans, visiting people in prison, tending to the sick, feeding the poor and caring for the less fortunate among us? What if we were Good Samaritans?

What if the church stayed out of politics and conservatism and simply reached out to a needy world?