Friday, August 17, 2018

P4E.272 The Wolf and the Lamb

I'm thrilled and honored to be a new contributing writer to Thriving Marriages.
Here's the first article published there. It's a very diffcult subject because it hits so close to home:

The #MeToo movement has shone an uncomfortable light on the fact that many women have been, and continue to be, vulnerable prey to men who behave like predators. I know that some people dismiss the idea of men being predators as trite, but I’m curious and wonder what spiritual lesson we might learn from these physical circumstances? Of course, we know that outright sexual assault is not to be tolerated, but do we husbands sometimes act like predators? Do we even know what it means to act like a predator? And what would we do about it if we did know?

Some years ago my wife, Gwen, bought Sterling, a silver dun Quarter Horse. She started to study “natural” horsemanship. As Gwen began to share what she was learning, I was struck by the similarities between human/horse relationships and husband/wife relationships. Through Gwen, I learned that horses are stereotypical prey animals and identify humans as predators.

Gwen and I have been married for over 40 years.  We were fortunate to have made it past 10 years. Due to my ungodliness, by the time 24 years rolled around, our marriage was in real trouble. By God’s grace and with the guidance of a unique parachurch ministry, our marriage has healed to the point where Gwen and I now minister to other married couples in crisis. But, before I began to get well our marriage could be characterized as a predator/prey relationship. I was not physically abusive, but engaged in more subtle, though no less damaging, spiritual/emotional predator behavior.

Gwen has helped me to see that certain things I do, physically, make her feel like prey. If Gwen says something that I don't understand, or disagree with, I might frown (which knits my eyebrows and squints my eyes).  I might raise my voice. I might even make a guttural noise that sounds like a growl.

More spiritually damaging is my predator attitude, which is negative, confrontational, and critical. At its heart, being a predator is selfish. As difficult as it is to admit that I have this attitude, it comes down to this: "I come first at your expense. My survival comes first. My priorities, values, desires, attitudes, ideas and comfort come first. I cannot control my emotions or aggressiveness. They are my unchangeable nature. I act on instinct before I think. I look for weakness and exploit it when I find it. I can be sneaky or I can be blatant; whatever it takes to win. I'm intense. I'm a straight-line thinker; very predictable and not very creative. Fear me. I can and will hurt you.”

When a prey animal feels threatened, it may try to go undetected by remaining still and quiet or camouflaging itself to blend with its surroundings. As a wife and mother, Gwen protected herself and our sons when she felt they were in danger of being spiritually harmed. She’d try to "go silent and unnoticed" and encouraged our sons to do the same. By not engaging in arguments with me, Gwen kept her conscience clear, and herself and our sons out of harm's way.

Some prey animals, like horses, will flee to escape their predator. Gwen has turned on her heel and walked away, just to escape from an argument with me. Finally, when cornered, some prey animals will fight. Gwen has told me that when we would argue, she would feel trapped and threatened. She felt like she was going to get eaten up, so she would fight for her life.

In line with how prey responds to its predators, Gwen lost trust in me. I drove her to resentment, bitterness, and coldness towards me.

When my marriage finally hit rock-bottom, I began to seek godly counsel. At one point my counselor told me, “All God wants is for you to change the way you think, act and talk.” (That’s all!?!) Because the predator attitude came so naturally to me, I didn't even know I was doing it when I was doing it. It was easier to see it in others, but almost impossible to identify it in myself. I needed help. Ken Nair, author of “Discovering the Mind of a Woman,” advised where I might get help to change: "Could God be so uncomplicated as to call the help He has provided for us husbands 'help'?” Taking that advice, I’ve asked Gwen to help me by suggesting some steps I could take to change the predator in me. Here are just three of her ideas.

The first idea is to slow down. Predators are naturally quick, aggressive, and direct in the pursuit and capture of their prey. To counterbalance the “act without thinking” patterning, I have to slow down. I have to slow down with my harsh words and with my anger. To my shame, I’ve pounced on my wife's mistakes. I’ve corrected Gwen in public, causing her great embarrassment. I’ve become impatient if she were not ready to leave when I was. When I slow down, I have time to think, to gain wisdom and understanding.  This is an exercise in patience, a fruit of the Spirit.

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." (Jas. 1:19-20 NAS)

The second step is to let others go first. Since my natural predator nature is selfish, I do the opposite of what comes naturally and let others go first. It could look like this:

I'm in a hurry. I arrive at a queue at the grocery store, bank, or fast-food place at about the same time as someone else. I let them go in front of me.

I'm late for an appointment. I sense that the person driving next to me wants to squeeze himself in the impossibly short distance between me and the car in front of me, with never a turn signal. I back off and let him in.

Gwen has an idea that’s contrary to my own. I have very good, logical reasons why my idea is better. I freely sacrifice my idea and get behind hers. It is beneficial for me to willingly give up my opinions and count hers as more important than mine.

“Don't be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3 CEV)

Gwen’s third suggestion is to have a change of heart. I think it’s significant that Scripture characterizes the golden age the Messiah will usher in as a time when "the wolf will dwell with the lamb." (Isaiah 11:6 NAS).  As part of our pursuit of Christ-likeness, we husbands must change our hearts and stop acting like predators towards those who are close to us. If what is in our hearts is dark and aggressive, our body language, facial expressions, and words will mirror what’s in our hearts. Better to dwell on what is true, pure, and peaceful. What our wives want is the consistency of character that exhibits patience, kindness, and gentleness; a relationship where they can feel safe and even protected by us.

"The good man out of the treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil man out of his treasure produces evil; for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." (Luk. 6:45-46 RSV)

Finally, predators are prey for other animals at least some time in their lives. We are, all of us, spiritual prey, all of the time. Sin is our primary predator. It is "lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it's out to get you..." (Gen. 4:7 MSG).  So, whether we see ourselves as predator or prey, ultimately, we need a Savior.

Friday, October 27, 2017

P4E.271 Entitled Lives

We must constantly remind ourselves that we are not entitled to lives without:

False accusations

In America, we may have laws that punish those who practice some of them, but the reality is that we are not exempt from experiencing them.

The challenge is that we must live in community with other human kind. Although we have tremendous capacity for good, we also have a natural tendency toward selfishness, greed, jealousy, pride, and lust.

When we encounter the things that upset us, those circumstances bring about opportunities to develop positive character qualities and pursue our capacity for good.

We have a real propensity to make a bad situation worse; to match and even escalate the negativity that comes our way. But, in our better moments, we can exercise self-control and practice grace and forgiveness, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and goodness.

Let’s do good.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

P4E.270 It's A Very, Very Mad World

There are no situations or circumstances in the world right now that wouldn’t be helped by a whole lot of Jesus. I don’t mean we need more church or more worship music. I don’t mean we need a revival or more religion or evangelism or fundamentalism. I don’t mean the Jesus invoked by some or rejected by others.

Who we need is the man who is the Son of God. The Jesus we need is the Prince of Peace. He didn’t come to judge the world, but to save the world. He warned us not to condemn so that we would not be condemned.  The Jesus I’m talking about encourages us to love God and to love each other; to treat each other in the way that we would like to be treated. He told us to forgive, so that we would receive forgiveness. He blessed the merciful and exemplifies justice and mercy and faithfulness.

This Man is a raconteur and asks more questions than He gives answers.  He is a true, righteous, faithful friend. Jesus is the Light of the World and in Him there is no darkness. He is the Rock that we can stand on when there’s shifting sand all around. And Jesus is our Shelter from the storm. He is our Help and our Salvation.

What the world needs now is Love, Sweet Love. And that is exactly what Jesus is: Love. We who know Him need to represent Him well right now, by exhibiting all of His qualities to our fullest. After all, He is our Good Shepherd and we should follow Him and His voice. Peace unto you.

Monday, June 5, 2017

P4E.269 Dark Matter

The intersection of science and religion has always interested me. An exchange between CNN’s Fareed Zakaria and his guest Brian Greene, a week ago (May 28, 2017), really caught my attention.

Fareed Zakaria introduced Brian Greene as “one of today's foremost scientists, a master of super-string theory, the host of Nova shows and the co-founder of the World Science Festival, which kicks off this week in New York City.”

Here’s a part of the transcript of the show:
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ZAKARIA: …for example, I'll give you one that even I struggle with, dark matter.


ZAKARIA: I just don't understand it. It's one of these things where you're told, "OK, most of the universe is actually made up of dark matter, and we can't see it; we can't touch it; we can't feel it; we don't know, kind of, know what it does and we don't know why it exists."


ZAKARIA: So what am I to make of that?


GREENE: Well, that's actually a thrilling idea, if you can wrap your mind around it. So you mind spending 30 seconds on dark matter, just for the heck of it?


GREENE: So when we observe galaxies, we find that they're spinning around at such a rate that stars on the edge should be flung outward, sort of, like water droplets on a bicycle wheel that's spinning fast. The water gets flung out. But the stars aren't getting flung out. Something must be holding them in. We don't see anything that can do that. But we know gravity has the power to hold things together. So we imagine that maybe there's some matter out there that we don't see, dark matter -- that's why we don't see it; it doesn't give off light -- and that matter is exerting a gravitational pull, holding those stars together in these spinning galaxies.

And when we make that hypothesis, it explains observations so spectacularly well that we begin to gain confidence that maybe the stuff that we haven't yet seen and we haven't yet touched or smelled yet, maybe it's real. So we build big detectors and we try to capture one of the dark matter particles. We haven't succeed yet, but I think that we will.

So this is a beautiful example of how observations drive rational thinking to explain the facts and ultimately verify it through observation and experiment that can be replicated. That is what science is. And that is what can get your heart pounding, when you realize that the human intellect can figure out things about the universe that you wouldn't expect, based on casual observation.
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What caught my attention was that a foremost scientist found it a thrilling idea that “maybe the stuff that we haven't yet seen and we haven't yet touched or smelled yet, maybe it's real.” (italics and underline mine)

I rarely quote Scripture in response to situations such as these, but this seems to relate so concretely to the subject at hand, that I can’t help but point it out. Speaking of God, Paul says in Colossians 1:16-17

“For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible… all things have been created by Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” (italics and underline mine)

It’s also very interesting to me that scientists have chosen to call this unseen phenomenon, “dark matter.” Another related phenomenon is called a “black hole.” On the other hand, God is light (I John 1:5). John 3:19 says, “And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light…”

I believe that science and religion will ultimately be resolved. We now have in common that both scientists and Christians believe in things unseen. I find that for me, rather than dark matter and black holes, it’s easier and a much more comforting, enjoyable, stretch of the imagination to believe in the unseen personal, loving, Creator God.

“For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance, he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.”
Robert Jastrow, God and the Astronomers