P4E.032 One Vs. Rent

One:
1. being or amounting to a single unit or individual or entire thing, item, or object rather than two or more.
2. of the same or having a single kind, nature, or condition: We belong to one team; We are of one resolve.
3. in a state of agreement; of one opinion.
4. united in thought or feeling; attuned: He felt at one with his Creator.

Rent:
1. to separate into parts with force or violence.
2. to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings.

In a way, it would be easy to lie to you and tell you that everything's going great. To put on a facade and let you think what a great guy I am. But, you should know that my wife, Gwen, views these posts. So, I would not be able to stand before her or God if I tried to deceive you that way.

The fact is, that I haven't been doing well in my relationship with Gwen. Last week she wanted to sit down and make a list of things that we needed to get done around the house and in our lives. "Brainstorm." We have done this before without any problem. It shouldn't have been a big deal. For reasons I'm still trying to examine, I was balking about the whole process. It got to the place where I accused Gwen of being judgemental about my lack of ability to embrace making the list with enthusiasm.

In our Tuesday evening group we discussed this situation and one of the ladies there spoke some truth to me: "This was not about making the list. This was about Gwen wanting to plan out your lives together, to be one with you, to share her heart with you. Basically, what you did was throw her heart in the trash...." My eyes are welling up even as I type those words. That is NOT what I want to convey to my wife. That is NOT what I truly feel in my heart towards her. And yet, that is what I told her by my attitude.

I have to be careful not to either let myself off too easy or to be so hard on myself that I focus on me and not Gwen. I want to be one with Gwen, as I vowed almost 30 years ago and not rent from her. I want to be strong enough to have some self-control when it comes to my attitudes, actions and words. I'm looking to God for His strength and not my own.

As I've said before, if you can avoid making the same mistakes I do by my relating them to you, so much the better for you. My testing won't be in vain.

God help me and you, Kim