Dave, our leader at our Life Partners study, was helping one of the husbands in our group with a crisis in his marriage this week. He cut through so much and finally summarized what was going on in this fellow's life. When he did, I really identified with it and thought I would share it. It went like this:
+ I chose to become fearful.
+ I chose to refuse help.
+ I chose to blame the one who was risking to help (blame shifted).
+ I chose to abandon my help.
+ The recurring theme in the crises that come up in my marriage is: I fail to take responsibility.
There's so much here. This pattern has occurred many times in my marriage. At the heart of it is the fact that Scripture says that when God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, He created for him a "help." Someone who had his best interests at heart because she was flesh of his flesh and bones of his bones. So many of my problems stem from the fact that in spite of my wife's incredible insight, organizational skills, relational counsel, and plain good sense, I can't bring myself to accept (much less, actively seek out) her help. For so long, I have failed to take responsibility for so much and it has made my wife feel abandoned. It still happens when my flesh grabs control. It's taken me a long time to shift my attitude about her from "enemy" to "help." I see it now. God help me to keep that perspective, because she is good help.
Peace, Kim
Great post and great advice! It is so profound to recognize the transformation that is possible when we shift our focus away from waiting (preparing) for salvation in the next life and toward the development of salvation in this life. We all need to open our eyes to the possibility of God's will becoming a reality on Earth.
ReplyDeleteHow would you describe the relationship between God's will on Earth and preperation for Eternity? Is Eternity some place else or a different version of this place?
Kim,
ReplyDeleteIt is so true that in the flesh is the opposite of good sense. But we're so grounded in the ungood and ungodly that it seems to make little sense to us.
Walking in the Spirit is so key for all of our lives, and is so important at home. But it seems like we're out of control, which just might be the problem, or part of it, for many of us. We think we have to be in control, and that we know better, or what's best.
Ted,
ReplyDeleteI think there's a reason why "self-control" is listed as one of the fruit of the Spirit in Galations 5.
If we are able to "live by the Spirit" we would exhibit the fruit of the Spirit (self-control) and thereby "walk by the Spirit."
Mike,
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog. Just reading what I'm going through would give you a much better feeling for where I'm at than me trying to explain it.
I believe there is a wonderful intersection of realities between God's will on Earth and eternity. It may even be that through our preparation for eternity we bring about God's will on Earth.
When I'm able to put into practice what Scripture speaks to, I believe that I'm doing my part to bring about God's kingdom on Earth.
I've come to believe that it all starts at home, with my wife. She is the help that God gave me to "practice" my Christianity on. My belief and experience are that until I can treat my wife as Scripture prescribes, I have no business taking on the "world's" problems. Many times I'd be guilty of "malpractice." This lays me wide open for criticism of "hypocrisy."
I like to think that Scripture does encourage us to bring about God's will and kingdom on Earth (both physical and spiritual) when it says "If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit."
Peace, Kim
"until I can treat my wife as Scripture prescribes, I have no business taking on the 'world's' problems"
ReplyDeleteThat seems like a prescription to keep Christianity from ever doing anything. What are the odds that you (or me, or anyone human) actually are able to treat your wife 100% as the scripture prescribes? That sounds more like an excuse to preserve the status quo. I'll make a guess here... I'll suppose that the status quo of economic and political justice is pretty good for you. Am I right? If so, it seems like a very convenient position to take.
Nothing in the bible seems to suggest that we should ignore our impact on justice until we are pefect in our treatment of our wives.
Mike,
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your thoughts. This line of reasoning cuts both ways. If I endeavor to treat my wife in a Christlike way how can that be said to be preserving the status quo?
You're looking at the negative side of this, as though it is impossible to accomplish. What I'm trying to say is start the transformation at home. Bring God's kingdom home first. Make God's will a reality, but start at home. Then you're prepared to tackle the world.
I actually propose that no married man go into any sort of "ministry" until he has his wife's freely given permission and encouragement.
You say "Nothing in the bible seems to suggest that we should ignore our impact on justice until we are pefect in our treatment of our wives," but I can direct you to where God has withheld his favor from men because of their treatment of their wives. See Malachi 2:13-17.
The reason I say this line of reasoning cuts both ways is because I could just as easily say to you
"That seems like a prescription to keep you from ever doing anything about your relationsip with your wife. What are the odds that you (or me, or anyone human) actually are able to treat establish economic and political justice 100% as the scripture prescribes? That sounds more like an excuse to preserve the status quo. I'll make a guess here... I'll suppose that the status quo of your marriage is pretty good for you. Am I right? If so, it seems like a very convenient position to take."
But, I won't say it because I'm not going to presume where you're at in your marriage.
I'd like to point out that there is no other relationship that Scripture specifically encourages like this:
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her..."
Open for discussion as always....
What if our "homes", our lives, our substanance impedes the ability of others to treat their wifes as the Bible suggests? What if our choices take away the power of others to be the husbands God's wants them to be?
ReplyDeleteI think we must start with justice which gives every man the ability to provide and care for their families. You cannot strip a man of his dignity and ability to provide and ask him to "start at home" when he has no home. You can't force a man to defend his home and expect him to be there for his wife. The status quo may give you the freedom to focus on your home, but how is that status quo effecting others?
I would argue that most problems in marriages stem from the residual effects of living in an unjust world. Those people with the most difficulty "at home" are always those that have too little OR too much. Solve injustice and then solving marriage problems will be less complex. Instead of applying a band-aid to the symptom we may want to look at the root causes.
I come now and again to read. I always applaud your hard work at your marriage and your willingness to look honestly at yourself.
ReplyDelete