P4E.088 Disappointed

"Something is not right with me,
Something is not right with me,
Something is not right with me,
How was I supposed to know?

Something is not right with me,
Something is not right with me,
Something is not right with me,
Trying not to let it show..."
Cold War Kids

Have you ever disappointed a loved one? Have you ever known that you were performing below a loved one's expectations and then had her point it out? What was your response? I wonder if it was like mine. I felt defensive. Yes, even though I knew I was underperforming, I was defensive. Even though I knew I was wrong, I didn't like it when my wrong attitude was pointed out to me.

That's how strong the flesh is. I was mulling it in my mind. I tried not to let it show. But, Gwen caught it just the same. She asked me if I was mad that she had told me she was disappointed. Busted! I sighed and said, "No, not mad. Discouraged." I could understand and maybe even deal with Gwen being mad at me for underperforming. But, disappointed! There's no quick fix for disappointment. There's loss of trust and respect. You don't earn that back overnight. It felt like I'd lost a costly battle and it was going to take a lot of energy, effort and time to win back hard fought ground.

It is going to take a lot of energy, effort, and time to win back hard fought ground. But, I know that the prize is worth it. I can win back trust by being consistently trustworthy. I can win back faith by being consistently faithful. I can win back optimism by being consistently optimistic. I can win back hope by being consistently hopeful. I can win back respect by consistently earning respect. I can win back encouragement by being consistently encouraging. I won't give up.

I also know that something is not right with me and that I need help to overcome my melancholy ways. I'm committing to getting that help.

I want to make sure that I don't come off as someone who's "getting it." I truly am going through a trough in my attitude, marriage and ways. It's been a rough last few months. I am always profoundly affected by work and money issues. Personal issues get compounded by work and money issues. I'm asking for your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

Peace, Kim