Construction Site SignFor more than a year before I started this blog I was e-mailing encouragement to over 100 people. I have been wanting to go back and capture those e-mails into this blog. The first e-mails that I wanted to capture was a group that I called "The Best Safety Device is a Careful Man." I hope you find it worth it.
Recently, I've come across two men who were "stunned" after many years of marriage when their wives left them to pursue other relationships. They said that their wives had not given them any indication that they were unhappy. Ken Nair teaches that many times ladies do not feel safe to share what is going on in their hearts because their men have a track record of getting angry, belittling, denying or ignoring whatever they share.
As men, we have to be reminded that in relationships "safe" is not so much a status as a state of mind . To a woman, "safe" means: able to trust that we are consistent in our character when we are not with them, knowing that we share the same values, cared for (physically and spiritually), not only unchallenged by us but defended by us, peaceful, secure, out of harm's way, not "walking on eggshells" because they don't know how we are going to respond to any given situation, confident that we are not going to "blow up". (To the ladies, please feel free to comment with any additions you would have to this list of what makes you feel "safe".)
How do we become "safe?" As the sign says, "the best safety device is a careful man." The following posts will discuss what it means to be a "careful man."
Peace, Kim
As men, we have to be reminded that in relationships "safe" is not so much a status as a state of mind . To a woman, "safe" means: able to trust that we are consistent in our character when we are not with them, knowing that we share the same values, cared for (physically and spiritually), not only unchallenged by us but defended by us, peaceful, secure, out of harm's way, not "walking on eggshells" because they don't know how we are going to respond to any given situation, confident that we are not going to "blow up". (To the ladies, please feel free to comment with any additions you would have to this list of what makes you feel "safe".)
How do we become "safe?" As the sign says, "the best safety device is a careful man." The following posts will discuss what it means to be a "careful man."
Peace, Kim
Safe. Well... I need to hear the words. About why I am loved. Not just the words about what I do wrong. But I suspect men need that too? :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it interesting that there's a delicate balance between hearing the words and "actions speaking louder than words?" Affirmation. Knowing that your spouse is approving and that there is some substance behind the "I love yous." "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." This does make us feel safe and secure because it provides some gravitas to our claims. We all need it.
ReplyDeleteFunny, one of the guys I work with just got the bomb dropped from his wife last week (Christian, good job, four kids on their way through high school/college) He never saw it coming. I completely agree with all of the points you make about the men keeping "safe". We've got to be there, always and consistently, with our wives. I don't come home from work and start blogging or watching TV or working in the yard - I spend the evening with her. Every evening. Talking. And almost all of the weekends. Sharing, being together. You do this for a few decades, and soon you have that "safe" feeling.
ReplyDeleteBradley, I've actually stopped being shocked this happens with such frequency. The hard part is hearing the guys being so taken by surprise when even a little bit of discussion reveals so many problems. I'm have to be encouraged by the few guys who "get it" and turn even if they never get their wives back. I appreciate how you are sharing your life with your wife. Awesome. Hope you come back once in a while!
ReplyDeleteYour post was right on target. I stayed in my marriage the last 17 years only out of faithfulness to the Lord, and suffered through exactly what you and the one person who posted said: not spending time with me (a dinner date once a year, or less), no good conversations (him complaining about stuff at work and going on and on about what is wrong with the world does not count), criticism, lecturing and most of all blowups have made this not only a place that does not feel safe, but one that is just plain horrid. Although I never sought to leave, when he filed for divorce, he was surprised that I did not beg him to stay.
ReplyDeleteI think that what is "safe" can vary from woman to woman. For me, it would simply be a man who loves me and does not blow up.