P4E.180 - Now What? - Part 10

In his book, "Cultural Literacy," E.D. Hirsch, Jr. makes the case that communication is intimately connected to what he calls "cultural literacy." He says that our ability to communicate is greatly affected by shared knowledge. Even the perception of what is shared knowledge can affect our ability to communicate well.

A friend who is a professor at Cal State Fullerton once told me that during a discussion in his classroom he happened to mention "Alice in Wonderland." By the blank looks on his students' faces he could tell that he had made a reference to a piece of literature that they were not familiar with. The analogy he was trying to draw was therefore lost on them and he was not able to accurately communicate his point. He had to resort to another reference that they could relate to before they understood his meaning.

Hirsch says that if people, "take a lot for granted, their communications can be short and efficient, subtle and complex. But if [people] share very little knowledge, their communications must be long and relatively rudimentary."

For those of us who are attempting to mature spiritually and acknowledge that our growth as Christians is linked directly to relationships, this is critical information. As a husband, I'm looking at my ability to communicate with my wife and children. My emphasis has shifted from the desire to be understood to the desire to understand my wife and children. My friend and mentor, Ken Nair, says that women speak a language that is foreign to us men. He calls it "womanese." The Urban Dictionary playfully defines "womanese" this way:

a. the mysterious language of the species 'woman', which men find extremely difficult to grasp. It's primary function is as an almost impenetrable code only fully understood within their own circle.

b. a form of female telepathy used to confound men. Involves giving impossibly subtle verbal clues which the man is expected to know before they are spoken.
c. a method of communication that involves not saying something in order to communicate something.

d. Any conversation within a circle of women; or any word that does or does not come out of a woman's mouth.

Some stereotypes are stereotypes because they accurately reflect some common characteristics of a group. When women speak to each other they use emotional/relational language because they are emotional/relational creatures. They can be subtle and complex with each other because they take for granted that each knows what the other is trying to communicate. Their conversations go to the relationships in their lives.

Men, on the other hand, rarely talk about relationships. Instead we focus on work, hobbies, sports and politics. We may talk about our children in relation to the sports they are involved in. We are short and efficient in our communication because we are mechanically minded.

Husband: "What?"

Wife: "Nothing..."

Husband: "Uh, ok..."

I am not here asking the question "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" (Speaking of shared knowledge, that is the title of a song from the 1956 Broadway musical "My Fair Lady," which in turn was based on George Bernard Shaw's play "Pygmalion" and was later made into a movie) I am however, challenging myself (and any readers up to the challenge) to learn a new language; womanese. As part of becoming a keen observer of my wife so that I'm able to take her physical/verbal cues and connect with her on a spiritual level, I need to increase my knowledge of her dialect of womanese.

As I've watched and listened, I've realized that my wife is an expert with respect to relationships and I have a lot to learn about her, my children and my relationships with others. I've learned to ask her questions and seek her advice about impending meetings or relational interactions. God gave me great help and I'm sure he did you too. It's just a matter of learning the language and taking the advice.

Peace, Kim