P4E.239 Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man? - 1 of 4

A couple of weekends ago, Gwen and I attended a a conference given by natural horsemen Pat and Linda Parelli. In it Pat listed four of the obstacles that natural horsemen have to overcome in their relationships with their horses. I've made the correlation between pursuing natural horsemanship and pursuing Christlikeness in marriage many times in this blog. I've found in Pat Parelli's list another opportunity.

The first obstacle on Pat's list is anthropomorphism. Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human characteristics onto other things, like horses. It is the vehicle that allows us humans to think that our horses are being "disobedient," or "naughty," or "stubborn." Basically, what we do is project what we know onto what we do not know. When we do that, we make very faulty assumptions about communication that can cause tragic results in the relationship between a human and his horse.

As husbands, we practice our own version of anthropomorphism on our wives. This is what we do, as men: Since we don't know any better, we project our male characteristics and attributes onto our female partners. So, we think that they think like we think. We believe that they feel things the way that we feel things. We assume that they value the same things that we value. We try to make our responsibilities their responsibilities. We believe that their tolerance for evil is the same as ours. This approach can become a real obstacle in a husband's relationship with his wife.

I'll give you a simple example. In the past, on my way out the door to work, I have told my wife something like this: "Gwen, the left-front tire on the Tahoe is looking low. You should take it over to the Chevron station and put some air in it...OK? Bye!" I really didn't realize just how much stress this put on Gwen. It's not that she's not capable. She certainly is. But, I forgot that the Chevron station in the town where we live is not the most savory place to be for a woman. I forgot that the air machine is a very cumbersome thing to work. I forgot that it's a hassle and kind of embarrassing to have to ask the attendant to turn on the air machine. Does Gwen know how much air pressure to put in the tire? Finally, if we were to ask 10 people who's responsibility it should be to maintain the tires on an SUV, I'll bet at least 9 out of 10 would say it's the husband's responsibility. But, before I learned better I'd wonder, "Now, why does she have to make such a big deal about that?" I'd do my own version of Professor Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady and ask, "Now, why can't a woman...be more like a man?"

This is not meant to demean women. In fact, women are very capable of just about anything. But, God created men and women different. He made the differences for the same reason he created everything else. To glorify Himself. I realized that if I pay attention and learn to recognize the differences, I can become more aware, sensitive, godly and blessed.

I've come to believe that the defense against making assumptions is to do my homework and learn about my wife. So, I've learned to ask questions and not challenged the answers. In fact, I realized that I don't have to know about all women (although there are some basic things about women that can be known). I really only have to know my own wife. And so do you.

P4E.238 A New Person

Last weekend, I had the honor of sitting and talking with Dr. Robert M. Miller, equine behaviorist and veterinarian. Dr. Miller is also a world renowned author and speaker. He is best recognized for his system of training newborn foals, known as imprint training. At 85 years old, Dr. Miller is one of the people in whom many "natural" horseman have found inspiration and encouragement. Dr. Miller is the vet who accompanied Monty Roberts as he "joined-up" with a wild mustang he later called "Shy Boy." He is also credited with foreseeing the future success of Pat Parelli as a natural horseman.

In his book, The Revolution in Horsemanship, Dr. Miller says,


"There is something very special about a horse that makes you want to do better with and for them.
But just wanting it isn’t enough because this is something very different and very unnatural for us humans. It takes time and effort to learn to communicate effectively with a horse. You have to be willing to go back to school, to learn and to change the way you behave. You have to set your ego on the shelf and leave it there while you reinvent yourself as a horseman and, often, as a human being.

This new person observes, remembers and compares. He listens more and talks less. He takes responsibility rather than assigning blame. He controls his emotions. He becomes aware of his body language. He tries to improve himself. He commits himself to acting justly. He cultivates patience. He forgives. He lives in the moment rather than stewing over the past or waiting for the future. And of course, he places the wants and needs of his wife ahead of his own.

He does it all, at least in the beginning, because it will make him a better horseman.
It isn’t easy. We cannot wave a magic wand or drink a magic potion and change the nature of our species anymore than a leopard can change its spots. It takes work and lots of it. It takes willpower and persistence, focus and thought. In an age of mindless entertainment and instant gratification of our every physical and emotional craving, those don’t always come easy to us. But if we persist, the payoff makes it all worthwhile."

This is very touching, sensitive stuff when you consider the relationship between a horse and a human. But, I have a different interest in it. Because this blog was started to explore the relationship between husbands and wives I'm wondering how it reads when we make certain replacements. What if we looked at it this way:

"There is something very special about a wife that makes you want to do better with and for her.
But just wanting it isn’t enough because this is something very different and very unnatural for us husbands. It takes time and effort to learn to communicate effectively with a wife. You have to be willing to go back to school, to learn and to change the way you behave. You have to set your ego on the shelf and leave it there while you reinvent yourself as a husband and, often, as a human being.

This new person observes, remembers and compares. He listens more and talks less. He takes responsibility rather than assigning blame. He controls his emotions. He becomes aware of his body language. He tries to improve himself. He commits himself to acting justly. He cultivates patience. He forgives. He lives in the moment rather than stewing over the past or waiting for the future. And of course, he places the wants and needs of another living creature ahead of his own.

He does it all, at least in the beginning, because it will make him a better husband.
It isn’t easy. We cannot wave a magic wand or drink a magic potion and change the nature of our species anymore than a leopard can change its spots. It takes work and lots of it. It takes willpower and persistence, focus and thought. In an age of mindless entertainment and instant gratification of our every physical and emotional craving, those don’t always come easy to us. But if we persist, the payoff makes it all worthwhile."

 If your mind thinks like mine, the middle paragraph will remind you of 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." Sometimes, we learn something about one thing by looking at another.