P4E.164 My Dad Always Said: "Do More Than is Expected"

This whole "My Dad Always Said" idea is an off-shoot of this blog's main purpose, which is encouraging men (myself included) to be more Christlike in their marriages. Part of being a Christlike husband is being a Christlike father. And, part of being a Christlike father is to model and impart Christlike character qualities to my children. As I said before, I had a very rocky start, but I'm trying to make up for lost time here.

So, another concept that I hope my sons will remember me for is the idea,

"Do More Than is Expected."

In general, I think most people over-promise and under-perform. It can be sort of anti-climactic to get exactly what you asked for and no more. More often than not, it seems we don't even get what we asked for. But, when someone does do more than is expected, people take notice. They feel more highly valued. They feel special. And they look at you in a different (better) light. This truly sets you apart from the crowd. The Boy Scouts ingrain doing more than is expected when they demand that you leave a campsite looking better than when you arrived. My son, Jon, learned in the Fire Department culture that "Early is on-time and on-time is late."

In some ways, doing more than is expected translates to "Do the Unexpected." The unexpected is romantic, because it is not practical, it is not pragmatic, it is unrealistic and idealistic. In this sense, Christ epitomised "Do the Unexpected." As a groom to His bride, the church, Christ did the unexpected by sacrificing Himself for the church's good. For whatever reason, I truly believe that women respond more deeply to the unexpected. As a husband, I think this is a particularly important concept to keep in mind (And I have to constantly remind myself).

Peace, Kim

P4E.163 My Dad Always Said: "Work first, then play"

The fact is, I don't remember my father imparting any lasting words of wisdom to me. This may say more about my own poor memory than it does about his lack of words of wisdom. Nevertheless, I just don't remember him routinely letting me know what was important to him that he wanted to pass on to me.

I, in turn, do not remember passing on to my sons any pearls of wisdom. I wonder what I might have routinely said or somehow imparted to them. I know that I did not purposefully make an effort to let them know what I think is important. I did not rummage through my own experience and glean from it important lessons and then pass them on to my sons. This falls into the category of "regrets." I found out yesterday that a friend passed away last weekend. She found out about a month ago that she had stage 4 lung cancer and was gone that quickly. The thing about blogging is that I do have the ability to write about what is important to me.

Still, all is not lost. I'm still kicking. My sons are relatively young (Ben is only 17 and living at home). Amazingly, in spite of my shortcomings as a father, they sometimes ask for advice or perspective. I may yet have a chance to let them know the little pieces of wisdom that I think are important.

So, the first that comes to mind is: "Work first, then play."

It's amazing how easy it is to be hypocritical when it comes to what's important to you. But, my hypocrisy is not the one that might jump to your mind when you hear "Work first, then play." My problem is not with the "Work first" part. It's with the "then play" part.

My parents worked hard. They both worked long and hard. They impressed on me, by their example, to work long and hard. I don't remember them having hobbies. I don't remember sports or music or entertainment of any sort playing a big part of our home. They didn't camp or hunt or fish or go to the desert or the river or the mountains or the beach. They didn't have motorcycles or bicycles or toys of any sort. My memory does not recall much "recreation." Yes, we did have a few vacations, but they were not "annual affairs." We did not travel much for fun. This may have been because we were not well-off when I was growing up.

In any case, I learned "work hard." I chose a profession that is labor intensive; architecture. I chose to be self-employed as soon as I could. I did not have the discipline to work first, then play. I just worked. So, my sons have the same experience that I had growing up. No hobbies. No regular recreation. No hunting or fishing or camping or desert or river or mountains or beach. No vacations. No travel. No fun.

So, this is an encouragement to my sons to do as I say and not as I do. "Work first, then PLAY." I DO believe that it is important to get the work done first. If I procrastinate or delay the work, I find it doesn't get done. If I don't start the work first I find that I realize that I don't have the necessary tools or materials or time or planning to get the work done in the time I allotted. But, part of the important planning to work first is to set aside time and planning to PLAY. There's a saying that goes "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." That's me. Dull Jack.

Anyway, I hope that when I'm gone, my sons will remember that Dad always said, "Work first, then PLAY."



Photo by Clive Reedman found at Flickr

P4E.162 On the Anniversary of MJ's Passing

Last year, I wrote about Michael Jackson's death and what spiritual lesson I drew out of it. On the anniversary of his passing, I found this:

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change

Not bad advice. This is what makes writing so amazing. It's as though one can speak from beyond the veil of death to those who still live and have life to live. This particular piece of advice is especially fitting to those of us who struggle in our marriage.

Peace, Kim

P4E.161 The Best Safety Device is a Careful Man - Part 22

Construction Site Sign

This is the final installment so I thought I'd recap why I wrote "The Best Safety Device" Series in the first place:

1. Ken Nair, author and founder of Life Partners, teaches that many times wives do not feel safe to share what is going on in their hearts because their husbands have a track record of getting angry, belittling, denying or ignoring whatever they share. It's important for us to help them feel safe to share if we are ever to aspire to 'spiritual leadership.'

2. I happened to see a sign in a restaurant that was relevant in light of what Ken had been teaching. It said "The Best Safety Device is a Careful Man." I thought that it was probably a construction site sign, but that it had spiritual overtones as well.

3. As husbands, we have to be reminded that, in relationships, "safe" is not so much a status as a state of mind. To a wife "safe" means: cared for (physically and spiritually), knowing that we share the same values, not only unchallenged by us but defended by us, peaceful, secure, out of harm's way, not "walking on eggshells" because they don't know how we are going to respond to any given situation, confident that we are not going to "blow up", able to trust that we are consistent in our character when we are not with them. According to the sign, if we are to be a "best safety device" to our wives we need to be "careful men." Careful with what?

4. To recap the series, if a man is to be "safe" to his wife he must be "careful" with:

1. The way he drives. (I know, a weird way to start!)
2. His eyes.
3. His thought life and by extension, his time.

I hope this has been as much a blessing to you to read as it has been to me to write.

Peace, Kim