P4E.239 Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man? - 1 of 4

A couple of weekends ago, Gwen and I attended a a conference given by natural horsemen Pat and Linda Parelli. In it Pat listed four of the obstacles that natural horsemen have to overcome in their relationships with their horses. I've made the correlation between pursuing natural horsemanship and pursuing Christlikeness in marriage many times in this blog. I've found in Pat Parelli's list another opportunity.

The first obstacle on Pat's list is anthropomorphism. Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human characteristics onto other things, like horses. It is the vehicle that allows us humans to think that our horses are being "disobedient," or "naughty," or "stubborn." Basically, what we do is project what we know onto what we do not know. When we do that, we make very faulty assumptions about communication that can cause tragic results in the relationship between a human and his horse.

As husbands, we practice our own version of anthropomorphism on our wives. This is what we do, as men: Since we don't know any better, we project our male characteristics and attributes onto our female partners. So, we think that they think like we think. We believe that they feel things the way that we feel things. We assume that they value the same things that we value. We try to make our responsibilities their responsibilities. We believe that their tolerance for evil is the same as ours. This approach can become a real obstacle in a husband's relationship with his wife.

I'll give you a simple example. In the past, on my way out the door to work, I have told my wife something like this: "Gwen, the left-front tire on the Tahoe is looking low. You should take it over to the Chevron station and put some air in it...OK? Bye!" I really didn't realize just how much stress this put on Gwen. It's not that she's not capable. She certainly is. But, I forgot that the Chevron station in the town where we live is not the most savory place to be for a woman. I forgot that the air machine is a very cumbersome thing to work. I forgot that it's a hassle and kind of embarrassing to have to ask the attendant to turn on the air machine. Does Gwen know how much air pressure to put in the tire? Finally, if we were to ask 10 people who's responsibility it should be to maintain the tires on an SUV, I'll bet at least 9 out of 10 would say it's the husband's responsibility. But, before I learned better I'd wonder, "Now, why does she have to make such a big deal about that?" I'd do my own version of Professor Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady and ask, "Now, why can't a woman...be more like a man?"

This is not meant to demean women. In fact, women are very capable of just about anything. But, God created men and women different. He made the differences for the same reason he created everything else. To glorify Himself. I realized that if I pay attention and learn to recognize the differences, I can become more aware, sensitive, godly and blessed.

I've come to believe that the defense against making assumptions is to do my homework and learn about my wife. So, I've learned to ask questions and not challenged the answers. In fact, I realized that I don't have to know about all women (although there are some basic things about women that can be known). I really only have to know my own wife. And so do you.

P4E.238 A New Person

Last weekend, I had the honor of sitting and talking with Dr. Robert M. Miller, equine behaviorist and veterinarian. Dr. Miller is also a world renowned author and speaker. He is best recognized for his system of training newborn foals, known as imprint training. At 85 years old, Dr. Miller is one of the people in whom many "natural" horseman have found inspiration and encouragement. Dr. Miller is the vet who accompanied Monty Roberts as he "joined-up" with a wild mustang he later called "Shy Boy." He is also credited with foreseeing the future success of Pat Parelli as a natural horseman.

In his book, The Revolution in Horsemanship, Dr. Miller says,


"There is something very special about a horse that makes you want to do better with and for them.
But just wanting it isn’t enough because this is something very different and very unnatural for us humans. It takes time and effort to learn to communicate effectively with a horse. You have to be willing to go back to school, to learn and to change the way you behave. You have to set your ego on the shelf and leave it there while you reinvent yourself as a horseman and, often, as a human being.

This new person observes, remembers and compares. He listens more and talks less. He takes responsibility rather than assigning blame. He controls his emotions. He becomes aware of his body language. He tries to improve himself. He commits himself to acting justly. He cultivates patience. He forgives. He lives in the moment rather than stewing over the past or waiting for the future. And of course, he places the wants and needs of his wife ahead of his own.

He does it all, at least in the beginning, because it will make him a better horseman.
It isn’t easy. We cannot wave a magic wand or drink a magic potion and change the nature of our species anymore than a leopard can change its spots. It takes work and lots of it. It takes willpower and persistence, focus and thought. In an age of mindless entertainment and instant gratification of our every physical and emotional craving, those don’t always come easy to us. But if we persist, the payoff makes it all worthwhile."

This is very touching, sensitive stuff when you consider the relationship between a horse and a human. But, I have a different interest in it. Because this blog was started to explore the relationship between husbands and wives I'm wondering how it reads when we make certain replacements. What if we looked at it this way:

"There is something very special about a wife that makes you want to do better with and for her.
But just wanting it isn’t enough because this is something very different and very unnatural for us husbands. It takes time and effort to learn to communicate effectively with a wife. You have to be willing to go back to school, to learn and to change the way you behave. You have to set your ego on the shelf and leave it there while you reinvent yourself as a husband and, often, as a human being.

This new person observes, remembers and compares. He listens more and talks less. He takes responsibility rather than assigning blame. He controls his emotions. He becomes aware of his body language. He tries to improve himself. He commits himself to acting justly. He cultivates patience. He forgives. He lives in the moment rather than stewing over the past or waiting for the future. And of course, he places the wants and needs of another living creature ahead of his own.

He does it all, at least in the beginning, because it will make him a better husband.
It isn’t easy. We cannot wave a magic wand or drink a magic potion and change the nature of our species anymore than a leopard can change its spots. It takes work and lots of it. It takes willpower and persistence, focus and thought. In an age of mindless entertainment and instant gratification of our every physical and emotional craving, those don’t always come easy to us. But if we persist, the payoff makes it all worthwhile."

 If your mind thinks like mine, the middle paragraph will remind you of 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." Sometimes, we learn something about one thing by looking at another.

P4E.237 Scene at the Airport

There's an unnatural amount of light in the airport terminal. It makes everything look stark and sterile, like a surgery. The place is nearly featureless. The beige terrazzo floor meets a bank of black windows. Only the lights of the planes waiting in the night are visible through them. The seating is modern and lends to the sterility of the place. The people who move through it seem affected by the light. They look detached; washed out by the overexposure. But, they are no doubt distracted too, either by the tedium of yet another trip or the excitement and anxiousness of a rare flight. Some move briskly, their baggage rolling behind them and others plod with their bags swinging at their sides.

From one side come four young men. Hair askew, unshaven, and lanky they have that uber-hip quality of appearing careless and intense at the same time. Two of them are wearing sunglasses against the fluorescent glare. A fedora. A long black coat over a khaki v-necked t-shirt. Long-sleeved plaids. Dark, skinny jeans. Doc Martens and Converse high tops. The strong smell of cigarette smoke trails after them and if you get close enough a hint of alcohol too. Two of them have soft, black guitar cases slung over their shoulders. They know that they can't take them onto the plane, but will carry them on anyway. The stewardess will politely inform them that they aren't allowed and offer to stow them. That way they won't have to pay the extra baggage fee. Just one travelling trick of many they have learned along the way.

The four move together in a focused amble through the terminal. Abruptly, one of them veers away from the others. He has straight, long reddish blond hair that hangs in his face and a beard to go with it. It flows as he moves. Coming the other way is an Anglican priest in his vestments. The priest is middle-aged, slim and fit with dark short-cut hair. The young man walks up to the priest and they stop, facing each other. As his band-mates stop to turn and watch, he shifts the guitar on his back, drops to his left knee, takes the priest's hand and kisses it. As the three smirk and keep walking, the priest watches them leave. He senses that they are not mocking their friend. Only tolerating his idiosyncrasy. The priest turns his attention back to the mass of hair at his feet. "The peace of the Lord be with you," he says. With a beaming smile and sparkling eyes a face emerges from the hair and says, "And also with you."

The priest pulls the young man up by the hand and they shake hands as they hug each other. They break apart and hold onto each other's hands and shoulders and speak earnestly and excitedly to each other. It's clear they don't know each other, but the bond between them is unmistakable. They could be brothers, except for their questions. "What's your name?" "Where are you from?" "Where are you going?" "Do you like being a...?" Anxiously, the young man looks over the priest's shoulder. His band-mates are moving quickly out of view. He must go. "Would you bless me?" he asks.

As a crowd of people move around them, almost unnoticed, the young man drops to his knees, the guitar neck sticking up past his bowed head. As he looks down he notices how dirty the beige terrazzo floor really is. In the raw light, the priest puts one hand on the long-haired head and makes the sign of the cross with the other. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen." The young man says "Amen," makes the sign of the cross over himself and gets up quickly. "Thank you!" he says earnestly. He shakes the priest's hand as he goes to leave. "I've got to go! Thanks again!" He waves over his shoulder as he adjusts the guitar and runs down the terminal.

The priest watches after him until he is out of view before he turns and continues on his own way.

This post has been submitted to L.L. Brakat's On, In and Around Mondays!

P4E.236 Drinking the Christian Kool-Aid

First, an explanation of the Kool-Aid reference. Sometimes we make references to cultural events that are lost on readers because we don't share a common understanding. For those who don't recall or are not old enough to remember, in November of 1978, 909 members of a religious cult called Peoples Temple, and led by a man named Jim Jones, committed mass suicide by drinking Kool-Aid laced with cyanide in Jonestown, Guyana. It was the largest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until the events of September 11, 2001. Since that time, the phrase "drinking Kool-Aid" has come to mean blindly following the instructions of or adhering to the beliefs of an authority or institution or leadership, to the point of self-harm.

My son, Ben, has a friend who has served in the military in Afghanistan. The friend's duties included teaching Afghan soldiers various subjects. Ben's friend told him that the task is sometimes hampered by the Muslim belief system of the Afghan soldiers. As an example, the soldiers do not believe in gravity. They believe that the hand of Allah holds them down on the earth and that at any time he could remove his hand and they would fly away into space. Another example is that they do not believe in germs.

Upon hearing these things, I'm sure many of you had the same reaction I had; "How backward. How Medieval. How ignorant." And yet, the Christian community has its own Kool-Aid that it drinks. Let's take the example of evolution. The Christian community has gone to all sorts of gyrations to counter the idea of evolution.To drink this Christian Kool-Aid, one must also believe in a literal 6 days of creation, an extremely short life span of the earth, and dinosaurs co-existing with humans.  The Christian community has made belief in evolution tantamount to heresy. It would rather fight over this issue than do the work that Christ charged it with.

How does it make sense that many Christians believe in the virgin birth, but have trouble with transubstantiation? Other examples of drinking the Christian Kool-Aid (at least in America) include:

- Super-Patriotism
- Unquestioning support for the U.S. Military
- Alignment with the conservative Republican Party
- Fawning over Rush Limbaugh
- Disdain for anything Obama

I'm not saying that one doesn't have the legal/constitutional right to pursue the above, just please don't sully the name of Christ by associating Christianity with it. We NEED separation of church and state to protect the Church! Stay out of politics. Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's and to God the things that are God's!

Lastly, because this blog has its roots in ministering to marriages in crisis, I thought I would share some of the Kool-Aid that the Christian community wants us to drink in regard to marriage.

In his book, Discovering the Mind of a Woman, Ken Nair points out four male prejudices (what I'm calling Christian Kool-Aid) that he has identified among men towards women (and therefore their wives):

1. Women are impossible to understand!
2. Women are the real problem!
3. Women are inferior to men.
4. Men are supposed to be the boss.

You might have the same reaction as above, "How backward! How positively Medieval! How ignorant." And, you would be right. But, how many times have I heard a pastor in the pulpit express these very thoughts. Sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtly. "You know those women. They're from Venus! Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em!" (wink wink). Even the women in the congregation will laugh! How many times has a husband conveyed these same ideas to me during a conversation about his wife? I can tell you: Lots!

The time has come to take the Christian community to task. To assault the paradigm that it requires of us to remain a part of it. To push the limits. To refuse to drink the Christian Kool-Aid. To challenge some of the Christian community's tenets because they stand in the way of ministering to and loving a needy world.