P4E.275 Suddenly

 

Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as if they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly

I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hangin’ over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly
Lennon-McCartney

Being closer to the end of my life than the beginning, these words are resonating with me lately. Not because of a doomed romance, but because of a lost love. The love that seems suddenly lost and dying is the culture that has come to unify the western world over centuries (and possibly millennia or even eons).

My holding to the values and culture that, in my view, best define and direct humanity has me feeling suddenly irrelevant and invisible. Suddenly overshadowed. Suddenly so…yesterday. But I’m not apologetic for holding to those values. The zeitgeist of the 2020s has taken a dark turn. An accusatory, unforgiving, malevolent, destructive turn. It’s as if every institution that gave solidity to existence has been drawn into question. As if every baby is to be thrown out with the bath water.

Let me expand on that metaphor for a minute. The baby is what is considered valuable. The baby’s value resides in its inherent value as a human being. It resides in the baby’s potential and in its innocence. The baby has no power over itself or others. It relies completely on those in whom the baby’s well being has been entrusted. But the baby messes itself. It drools. It plays in the dirt. It can’t completely be fed without getting the food all over itself. It needs a bath.

So, the basin is prepared with warm, clean water. The universal solvent. As soap is applied and the baby is sponged, the dirt, the drool, the mess, and the excess food are washed away into the water. Now baby is returned to its pristine state and the water is no longer clean. Here the metaphor becomes clear: when emptying the basin, the valuable baby should not be tossed away with the dirty water.

The institutions that have held us together are so under fire that they seem close to collapse. There are those that seem intent on throwing them out with the bath water. Are they dirty? Yes. Flawed? Yes. In need of attention/repair/improvement? Yes. But should we destroy them?

Religion and Christianity, in particular, have receded in our culture’s value system. The emphasis on science has unnecessarily relegated Christianity to the sidelines of relevance in the zeitgeist of the 21^st Century. Science and Christianity need not be mutually exclusive. They need not and cannot consistently be mutually affirming. They feed different parts of human need.

I recently heard a podcast interview with Jaron Lanier. If you haven’t heard of him, see here: jaronlanier.com . He purposefully has no social media accounts. He started talking about people’s interest in UFOs.

“…(it) fills a human need. People need to have something to obsess over. People need to experience their brains thinking beyond the edge of what’s official. They need to be able to have common quests. The need to be able to explore things that might not be true, because otherwise truth calcifies. This is something that we all need. This is legitimate. Being able to be obsessed with things that are at the edge of thought is really important. Being able to do it with other people is very healthy and maybe even vital.”

Even though he wasn’t talking about religion, and he might even disagree that his words could be used in reference to religion, I found the similarity of thought interesting.

I draw comfort from the shared Judeo-Christian Scriptures: The idea of One Creator God, Who exemplifies eternity, good, truth, light, wisdom gives me solace. He cannot be proven. Those who have ears to hear and eyes to see hear and see Him. But the “not knowing” can and should be the impetus to explore what “might not be true”. There is a man I know and admire who responds to the question, “Do you believe in God?” by saying “I try to act as if there is one.”

There are reasons why the ancient Holy Scriptures encourage us to honor our father and our mother (Deut 5:16), ideally the source of the wisdom of the past. There is a reason why Christ said

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them. For I tell you truly, until heaven and earth pass away, not a single jot, not a stroke of a pen, will disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.”

(Matt 5:17-18)

 We toss aside these ideals at our own peril. The promise associated with the command to honor father and mother: “so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” literally promises longevity and well-being to those who keep the wisdom of the past. The alternative?

Returning to the baby and the bath water metaphor, Jesus brought a child before His disciples and said,

“And whoever welcomes a little child like this in My name welcomes Me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world for the causes of sin. These stumbling blocks must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!” (Matt 18:5-7)

Sometimes I do feel as if the world sees me as “half the man I used to be,” but it helps me to not care what the rest of the world thinks. Not in that regard. I will try not to be the man through whom stumbling blocks come.

 Blessings.

P4E.274 Honor Your Father and Mother

The commandment to honor your father and mother is vital to the stability of humanity. Historians date the writing of Exodus, where the commandments are recorded, to be as early as 1,450 BC, almost 3,500 years ago. Even then, man had been around for a very long time. Long enough to know, or be taught, how to live and how to live with each other. God and man also both knew the wickedness that man was capable of and what boundaries needed to be put in place. 

The genius of the commandment is that it burdens both parents and children. Parents are obliged to behave honorably by representing God properly and passing down the lessons of the past (I confess that I could have done better in this regard). And through the generations, fathers and mothers were charged with raising their children in the way they should go. Children, in turn, honor God by honoring their parents and carrying on the accumulation of millennia of traditions and values . Children were urged, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, And do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”

But Christ knew that men’s hearts are rebellious and that He, Himself, would cause division: “Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division…They will be divided, father against son, and son against father; mother against daughter, and daughter against mother…” 

Ultimately, parents die, and their children become parents and all are responsible for their own behavior. Sometimes the evil prosper and bad things happen to good people. And, because God is sovereign and men are inclined to evil, justice is hardly expected here on Earth. 

In the end, the wisest man said that all was futile. When all had been said, he advised us to “fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.”

P4E.273 You Matter

In the early 2000's my marriage was in deep trouble. We were very fortunate in finding an amazing para-church ministry that helped us find a way through those times. Now, one of the leadership couples of that ministry just announced that, after 24 years of marriage, they are divorcing. They're not the first (and probably won't be the last). Of course, everyone is wishing them well, as do I. But, at my age I feel entitled to have an opinion; to have feelings about it.

Acknowledging all the normal and expected caveats of, "you haven't kept in touch with them, you don't know their pain, you don't know all the particulars, the history, the circumstances, how things change, you can't and shouldn't judge, there but for the grace of God go I, etc.," it still hurts. It's still confusing and discouraging and disappointing. It still leaves me desperate and wondering.

In the para-church ministry I mentioned, emphasis was placed on the husband, as spiritual leader, being responsible for the state of his marriage. To love his wife like Christ loved the church, "and gave Himself up for her." As that leadership couple taught me, I've come to believe this wholeheartedly and so lay the responsibility for the split at the husband's door. I know that I'm walking a fine line between holding him accountable and judging him; that I leave myself open to being called a hypocrite myself (now and in the future). But in this moment, that is what I feel and believe. We were taught, by this couple, that the state of the marriage is an accurate reflection of the state of the husband's relationship to Christ. What must that relationship be like if they have decided to divorce?

There are very few men who have influenced me. One, who I've recently come under the influence of, says that life is struggle. That the antidote to that struggle is discovering meaning. And that meaning can be found in taking on responsibility. That responsibility comes about when we shoulder the burden that EVERYTHING WE THINK, SAY, AND DO MATTERS. Each one of us knows 1,000 people. And each of them knows 1,000 people. So, we are literally 1 person away from 1,000,000 people. We are individuals, but we live in a society and a culture. This is only compounded by social media. By what we think, say, and do, each of us MAKES A DIFFERENCE in the lives of others. (At this time of year, the story of "It's a Wonderful Life" comes to mind)

I know that I'm not the only one so deeply affected by that leadership couple's decision to divorce. All this is meant to be an encouragement to you, my friends. What you THINK, SAY, and DO matters. Lean into the struggle. There will be pain. Tears must fall. Find the meaning in it. Bear your burden. Endure.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

PS - I know that, just as in my favorite sport of Baseball, the story isn't over until it's over. We always hold out hope!

P4E.272 The Wolf and the Lamb

I'm thrilled and honored to be a new contributing writer to Thriving Marriages.

Here's the first article published there. It's a very diffcult subject because it hits so close to home:

The #MeToo movement has shone an uncomfortable light on the fact that many women have been, and continue to be, vulnerable prey to men who behave like predators. I know that some people dismiss the idea of men being predators as trite, but I’m curious and wonder what spiritual lesson we might learn from these physical circumstances? Of course, we know that outright sexual assault is not to be tolerated, but do we husbands sometimes act like predators? Do we even know what it means to act like a predator? And what would we do about it if we did know?

Some years ago my wife, Gwen, bought Sterling, a silver dun Quarter Horse. She started to study “natural” horsemanship. As Gwen began to share what she was learning, I was struck by the similarities between human/horse relationships and husband/wife relationships. Through Gwen, I learned that horses are stereotypical prey animals and identify humans as predators.

Gwen and I have been married for over 40 years.  We were fortunate to have made it past 10 years. Due to my ungodliness, by the time 24 years rolled around, our marriage was in real trouble. By God’s grace and with the guidance of a unique parachurch ministry, our marriage has healed to the point where Gwen and I now minister to other married couples in crisis. But, before I began to get well our marriage could be characterized as a predator/prey relationship. I was not physically abusive, but engaged in more subtle, though no less damaging, spiritual/emotional predator behavior.

Gwen has helped me to see that certain things I do, physically, make her feel like prey. If Gwen says something that I don't understand, or disagree with, I might frown (which knits my eyebrows and squints my eyes).  I might raise my voice. I might even make a guttural noise that sounds like a growl.

More spiritually damaging is my predator attitude, which is negative, confrontational, and critical. At its heart, being a predator is selfish. As difficult as it is to admit that I have this attitude, it comes down to this: "I come first at your expense. My survival comes first. My priorities, values, desires, attitudes, ideas and comfort come first. I cannot control my emotions or aggressiveness. They are my unchangeable nature. I act on instinct before I think. I look for weakness and exploit it when I find it. I can be sneaky or I can be blatant; whatever it takes to win. I'm intense. I'm a straight-line thinker; very predictable and not very creative. Fear me. I can and will hurt you.”

When a prey animal feels threatened, it may try to go undetected by remaining still and quiet or camouflaging itself to blend with its surroundings. As a wife and mother, Gwen protected herself and our sons when she felt they were in danger of being spiritually harmed. She’d try to "go silent and unnoticed" and encouraged our sons to do the same. By not engaging in arguments with me, Gwen kept her conscience clear, and herself and our sons out of harm's way.

Some prey animals, like horses, will flee to escape their predator. Gwen has turned on her heel and walked away, just to escape from an argument with me. Finally, when cornered, some prey animals will fight. Gwen has told me that when we would argue, she would feel trapped and threatened. She felt like she was going to get eaten up, so she would fight for her life.

In line with how prey responds to its predators, Gwen lost trust in me. I drove her to resentment, bitterness, and coldness towards me.

When my marriage finally hit rock-bottom, I began to seek godly counsel. At one point my counselor told me, “All God wants is for you to change the way you think, act and talk.” (That’s all!?!) Because the predator attitude came so naturally to me, I didn't even know I was doing it when I was doing it. It was easier to see it in others, but almost impossible to identify it in myself. I needed help. Ken Nair, author of “Discovering the Mind of a Woman,” advised where I might get help to change: "Could God be so uncomplicated as to call the help He has provided for us husbands 'help'?” Taking that advice, I’ve asked Gwen to help me by suggesting some steps I could take to change the predator in me. Here are just three of her ideas.

The first idea is to slow down. Predators are naturally quick, aggressive, and direct in the pursuit and capture of their prey. To counterbalance the “act without thinking” patterning, I have to slow down. I have to slow down with my harsh words and with my anger. To my shame, I’ve pounced on my wife's mistakes. I’ve corrected Gwen in public, causing her great embarrassment. I’ve become impatient if she were not ready to leave when I was. When I slow down, I have time to think, to gain wisdom and understanding.  This is an exercise in patience, a fruit of the Spirit.

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." (Jas. 1:19-20 NAS)

The second step is to let others go first. Since my natural predator nature is selfish, I do the opposite of what comes naturally and let others go first. It could look like this:

I'm in a hurry. I arrive at a queue at the grocery store, bank, or fast-food place at about the same time as someone else. I let them go in front of me.

I'm late for an appointment. I sense that the person driving next to me wants to squeeze himself in the impossibly short distance between me and the car in front of me, with never a turn signal. I back off and let him in.

Gwen has an idea that’s contrary to my own. I have very good, logical reasons why my idea is better. I freely sacrifice my idea and get behind hers. It is beneficial for me to willingly give up my opinions and count hers as more important than mine.

“Don't be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3 CEV)

Gwen’s third suggestion is to have a change of heart. I think it’s significant that Scripture characterizes the golden age the Messiah will usher in as a time when "the wolf will dwell with the lamb." (Isaiah 11:6 NAS).  As part of our pursuit of Christ-likeness, we husbands must change our hearts and stop acting like predators towards those who are close to us. If what is in our hearts is dark and aggressive, our body language, facial expressions, and words will mirror what’s in our hearts. Better to dwell on what is true, pure, and peaceful. What our wives want is the consistency of character that exhibits patience, kindness, and gentleness; a relationship where they can feel safe and even protected by us.

"The good man out of the treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil man out of his treasure produces evil; for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." (Luk. 6:45-46 RSV)

Finally, predators are prey for other animals at least some time in their lives. We are, all of us, spiritual prey, all of the time. Sin is our primary predator. It is "lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it's out to get you..." (Gen. 4:7 MSG).  So, whether we see ourselves as predator or prey, ultimately, we need a Savior.