A subject is coming up a lot recently. I call it the "What about her?" syndrome. It goes like this: We are ministering to a couple who is struggling in their marriage. Because God calls the husband to spiritual leadership in the home, we begin to focus on him. In his flesh, the husband begins to defend himself by defaulting to his "Adamic" DNA and says, in effect, "the woman whom Thou gavest to be with me...." Blameshifting is deep seated in us men and we make every effort to keep the tradition alive.
There are two other concepts that are related to the "What about her?" syndrome. The first is the "50-50" concept of marriage. My longtime friend and counselor, Dave Taylor, showed me the wall full of books about marriage and family counselling in his office one time. They were by secular and Christian authors. Dave said that the problem with them for the most part is that they are all based on the 50-50 concept of marriage. "I'll move a little, if she'll move a little and if we keep it up we'll meet in the middle." The second, related, concept is held with strong conviction. It's the concept of "fairness." Secular and Christian alike, we hold fast to the concept of "fairness" and "justice."
Let's work backwards through these concepts to gain some new perspective on our relationships. As "Christians" (meaning little Christs) we are called to be like Him. If you think that Christ came to fight for "truth, justice and the American way" you are confusing Him with a fictional superhero. As Ken Nair puts it (and I love this quote) "Fairness compromises Godliness." That is to say, I deserve judgement and punishment for my actions, words and attitudes. What I get from God instead is grace and mercy and sacrifice for my salvation. If Christ got a fair trial he would not have been condemned and crucified.
The "50-50" concept of marriage is popular because it is "fair." It equally divides the responsibility for the relationship between both the husband and the wife. The problem is that statistics are bearing out that it does not work. They say that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result." We're crazy to keep trying to force the "50-50" marriage model when we know it's failing. And it's failing because it does not follow the Christlike model set before us in Scripture. I know the quote, but I have a hard time living it..."Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her..."
What I'm proposing, guys, is the unfair (but Christlike) proposition that we take 100% responsibility for the state of our marriages, expecting nothing in return. That's the "100-0" concept. It leaves no room for blameshifting (otherwise known as the "What about her?" syndrome). How does that make you feel? I'd like to hear back from you on this.
Your Ally in the Pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim
Well, Kim:
ReplyDeleteI am in a marriage in which it is my wife that is pushing really hard for the feminist idea of a 50-50 marriage, and doesn't want to do her part to give 100-0. We are ALL told to die to self, right? I have problems with the idea that I shouldn't be able to ask "what about her?"; that is, during the times in which she simply is not following my lead as I do what I understand to be what scripture teaches, and she would rather go with her feelings. I understand the adamic-nature is to blame "The woman you gave me" for sins. But I don't know the Godly way to handle a contentious wife--outside continuing to suffer, wondering if/when God will turn her heart. Please speak to that, as well.
Christ was the perfect example, yet many refused to follow. This tells me that her refusal to follow me in some cases isn't necessarily an indication of failure on my part to lead, love, sacrifice, die to self...etc.
WHAT in the world do I do with a wife that EXPECTS me to die
Well, Kim:
ReplyDeleteI am in a marriage in which it is my wife that is pushing really hard for the feminist idea of a 50-50 marriage, and doesn't want to do her part to give 100-0. We are ALL told to die to self, right? I have problems with the idea that I shouldn't be able to ask "what about her?"; that is, during the times in which she simply is not following my lead as I do what I understand to be what scripture teaches, and she would rather go with her feelings. I understand the adamic-nature is to blame "The woman you gave me" for sins. But I don't know the Godly way to handle a contentious wife--outside continuing to suffer, wondering if/when God will turn her heart. Please speak to that, as well.
Christ was the perfect example, yet many refused to follow. This tells me that her refusal to follow me in some cases isn't necessarily an indication of failure on my part to lead, love, sacrifice, die to self...etc.
WHAT in the world do I do with a wife that EXPECTS me to die to myself, while believing that the reverance commanded by God from her to me is to be earned--being awarded only when HER moveable criteria are met? Please help--I'm really in pain over this!
SH,
ReplyDeleteI sense your sincerity and thank you for opening up in this way. I can give a short answer here and then it might be more worthwhile to go offline with whatever else I can do for you.
First, I would encourage you to get yourself a copy of Ken Nair's book, Discovering the Mind of a Woman. Ken really deals in-depth with how our wives think and how we respond to them. It is honestly the kind of book that many want to throw across the room at different points in the book (including myself). But, your commitment to Christ will keep bringing you back because in your heart you'll know that what Ken is saying is true...
Here is the basis for not asking the question "What about her?"
"Do not judge lest you be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's (or wife's) eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother (or wife), "Let me take the speck our of your eye," and behold, the log is in your own eye? ...first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck our of your brother's (or wife's) eye." Matthew 7:1-5
I hope that you can receive that Scripture in the spirit in which I send it to you, SH.
When you say, "WHAT in the world do I do with a wife that EXPECTS me to die," let me ask you this question:
Is your wife asking you to do anything that Christ is not asking you to do? When Christ says, "You must be born again," isn't he saying the same thing? When Paul says "It is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me," is he not saying the same thing?
Finally, you mistook what I was saying about the 100-0. I was referring to husbands giving 100-0 and not expecting anything in return. There is no place in Scripture that says, "Wives, love your husbands as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. But it does give that command to husbands.
If you do respond, please give me a few particulars about your situation. Age, years married, children, occupation, wife's occupation and maybe a concrete example of what we're talking about here.
Peace, Kim
The concept outlined in this post is sound, to a point. I agree that the man should sacrifice self in a marriage. But what about cases where he is doing and doing that and in so doing ends up allowing or enabling sinful behavior by his wife? Isn't allowing another to sin unchallenged a sin in and of itself?
ReplyDeleteOk stepping away from the "what about her" just a little more let's define ChristLIKE a little better.
ReplyDeleteIMO the term means that we are to, to the greatest degree possible for an imperfect human,act similar to how he did. I think that suggesting that we be willing (even though it isn't possible) to take on the sins of our wives is going well beyond the concept of ChristLIKE and stepping into the area of trying to BE Christ. I also think that anyone who would want someone willing to do that is, in a way, denying the fact that Christ's sacrifice, once for all, was enough.