A subject is coming up a lot recently. I call it the "What about her?" syndrome. It goes like this: We are ministering to a couple who is struggling in their marriage. Because God calls the husband to spiritual leadership in the home, we begin to focus on him. In his flesh, the husband begins to defend himself by defaulting to his "Adamic" DNA and says, in effect, "the woman whom Thou gavest to be with me...." Blameshifting is deep seated in us men and we make every effort to keep the tradition alive.
There are two other concepts that are related to the "What about her?" syndrome. The first is the "50-50" concept of marriage. My longtime friend and counselor, Dave Taylor, showed me the wall full of books about marriage and family counselling in his office one time. They were by secular and Christian authors. Dave said that the problem with them for the most part is that they are all based on the 50-50 concept of marriage. "I'll move a little, if she'll move a little and if we keep it up we'll meet in the middle." The second, related, concept is held with strong conviction. It's the concept of "fairness." Secular and Christian alike, we hold fast to the concept of "fairness" and "justice."
Let's work backwards through these concepts to gain some new perspective on our relationships. As "Christians" (meaning little Christs) we are called to be like Him. If you think that Christ came to fight for "truth, justice and the American way" you are confusing Him with a fictional superhero. As Ken Nair puts it (and I love this quote) "Fairness compromises Godliness." That is to say, I deserve judgement and punishment for my actions, words and attitudes. What I get from God instead is grace and mercy and sacrifice for my salvation. If Christ got a fair trial he would not have been condemned and crucified.
The "50-50" concept of marriage is popular because it is "fair." It equally divides the responsibility for the relationship between both the husband and the wife. The problem is that statistics are bearing out that it does not work. They say that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result." We're crazy to keep trying to force the "50-50" marriage model when we know it's failing. And it's failing because it does not follow the Christlike model set before us in Scripture. I know the quote, but I have a hard time living it..."Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her..."
What I'm proposing, guys, is the unfair (but Christlike) proposition that we take 100% responsibility for the state of our marriages, expecting nothing in return. That's the "100-0" concept. It leaves no room for blameshifting (otherwise known as the "What about her?" syndrome). How does that make you feel? I'd like to hear back from you on this.
Your Ally in the Pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
P4E.007 When God is in Us
In her recently released book, The Female Brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine says that her studies show that women talk almost three times as much as men. The average man says around 7,000 words in a day, while the average woman says 20,000 words. The female psychiatrist says that inherent differences between the male and female brain explain why women are naturally more talkative than men. Women's brains devote more brain cells to talking than their male counterparts. Testosterone pares back the areas responsible for communication, emotion and memory in the male brain. "Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road," says Dr. Brizendine. " I believe women actually perceive the world differently from men."
That said, I wonder if we men should check our attitudes right now. Did you just think something like "Only three times more?" or "No wonder they're so emotional?" or "I say quality is more important that quantity" or "This proves we'll never understand them!" Do you think like Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady: "Why can't a woman...be more like a man?" Would you characterize your own response to the information you just read as "Christlike?" Neither did I at first.
Let's go down another road. God is not a God of confusion. He would not give us a command that He believed we couldn't keep. He commands us husbands to live with our wives in an understanding way..so that our prayers won't be hindered (I Peter 3:7).
When God created man He said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make for him a help." He knew that the male nature to communicate, emote or remember would be limited so He created a being with a heightened capacity to communicate, emote and remember to "help" us. WHY? Because He values communication, emotions and a good memory!
According to Dr. Brizendine's study, we men start off at a disadvantage in these areas. Shall we point to this disadvantage and blame it as the reason that we struggle in communicating, feeling and remembering? Or shall we use it as motivation to overcome the disadvantage and better ourselves?
Let me point out one thing before you answer. Jesus told Nicodemus that unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God. He also said that what is born of the flesh is flesh and what is born of the Spirit is spirit. Communication, emotions and a good memory are relational, therefore spiritual, matters. The flesh may be disadvantaged, but when born again of the Spirit we overcome the disadvantages and become better. So maybe we don't better ourselves, but when we ask Him in, God in us makes us better. The corollary is that when God is in us our ability to communicate, our emotional lucidity and our memory should all be heightened. Pray for it.
Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim
That said, I wonder if we men should check our attitudes right now. Did you just think something like "Only three times more?" or "No wonder they're so emotional?" or "I say quality is more important that quantity" or "This proves we'll never understand them!" Do you think like Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady: "Why can't a woman...be more like a man?" Would you characterize your own response to the information you just read as "Christlike?" Neither did I at first.
Let's go down another road. God is not a God of confusion. He would not give us a command that He believed we couldn't keep. He commands us husbands to live with our wives in an understanding way..so that our prayers won't be hindered (I Peter 3:7).
When God created man He said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make for him a help." He knew that the male nature to communicate, emote or remember would be limited so He created a being with a heightened capacity to communicate, emote and remember to "help" us. WHY? Because He values communication, emotions and a good memory!
According to Dr. Brizendine's study, we men start off at a disadvantage in these areas. Shall we point to this disadvantage and blame it as the reason that we struggle in communicating, feeling and remembering? Or shall we use it as motivation to overcome the disadvantage and better ourselves?
Let me point out one thing before you answer. Jesus told Nicodemus that unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God. He also said that what is born of the flesh is flesh and what is born of the Spirit is spirit. Communication, emotions and a good memory are relational, therefore spiritual, matters. The flesh may be disadvantaged, but when born again of the Spirit we overcome the disadvantages and become better. So maybe we don't better ourselves, but when we ask Him in, God in us makes us better. The corollary is that when God is in us our ability to communicate, our emotional lucidity and our memory should all be heightened. Pray for it.
Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim
P4E.006 How I Failed the Sensitivity Test (Again)!
I never want to let you to think that I don't experience troubles in my marriage and life. As I've said, sometimes I write to confess my sins to you.
My wife, Gwen, had some money in a joint checking account. The other morning she came to me trembling and eventually in tears to tell me that she had overdrawn the account by a few hundred dollars. She was obviously distraught over it. Gwen knew that I was planning to, but I had not yet shared with her that in the days preceding I had gotten close to arranging a home equity line of credit with the same bank. The thought came to me and I (without thinking) spoke out loud that the overdrawn account would probably doom our chances of getting the line of credit.
Gwen let me know that I had been very insensitive when I said that. Later she said things like "When you said that you let me know that you really don't have much empathy for how other people are feeling." "I was already hurting and I felt like you poured salt in my wounds." "I felt like you kicked me when I was down." "It was something like
you used to say. It's as if you went back to being like you used to be."
It grieves me to think that with all that I'm learning, I can still cause that much hurt in the love of my life. It isn't how Jesus would have handled that situation, I'm sure. It reminds me how strong my flesh is and how I need to go to Christ for spiritual strength. I'm truly sorry for it and don't want to impact Gwen that way again. Lord, give me strength to be the spiritual leader that you want me to be to my wife and children.
Praying with you and for you, Kim
My wife, Gwen, had some money in a joint checking account. The other morning she came to me trembling and eventually in tears to tell me that she had overdrawn the account by a few hundred dollars. She was obviously distraught over it. Gwen knew that I was planning to, but I had not yet shared with her that in the days preceding I had gotten close to arranging a home equity line of credit with the same bank. The thought came to me and I (without thinking) spoke out loud that the overdrawn account would probably doom our chances of getting the line of credit.
Gwen let me know that I had been very insensitive when I said that. Later she said things like "When you said that you let me know that you really don't have much empathy for how other people are feeling." "I was already hurting and I felt like you poured salt in my wounds." "I felt like you kicked me when I was down." "It was something like
you used to say. It's as if you went back to being like you used to be."
It grieves me to think that with all that I'm learning, I can still cause that much hurt in the love of my life. It isn't how Jesus would have handled that situation, I'm sure. It reminds me how strong my flesh is and how I need to go to Christ for spiritual strength. I'm truly sorry for it and don't want to impact Gwen that way again. Lord, give me strength to be the spiritual leader that you want me to be to my wife and children.
Praying with you and for you, Kim
P4E.005 My Relationship to My Wife is a Mirror of My Relationship With Christ
You might be wondering why I focus on the relationship that we have
with our wife. With help, I've come to believe that this relationship
is critical to my pursuit of Christlikeness. Why? Because Christianity
is, at its root, relational. Ultimately, it's about my individual
relationship to Christ. In preparation for eternity, I need to
practice being like Him so that I'm ready to join with Him for all
time.
Where do I go to get that practice? Scripture many times, Old
Testament and New, calls me to love my neighbor as myself (wife
included). Fair enough. But Scripture further calls me as a husband to
love my "wife like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for
her." That is a call to Christlikeness! It tells me as a husband that
the medium through which I can pursue Christlikeness is my
relationship with my wife. The standard for evaluating the pursuit is
the manner in which Christ loved the church (He gave Himself up for
her).
What I'm saying is that my relationship to my wife is a mirror of my
relationship with Christ. And vice versa. So, if I view my wife as
"struggle and strife" it is a mirror of my "struggle and strife" with
Christ.
This gives a new perspective on what God called "help." As Believing
men, we cycle through this sequence:
1. We grow up under our parent's wings learning about God through them (if all goes well).
2. We leave our mother and father and cleave to our wife. Our wife
"helps" us by being a mirror of our relationship to God. Our marriage
becomes the medium through which we practice Christlikeness in
preparation for eternity.
3. We have children and, under our wings, they learn about God through us (if all goes well).
4. We go on to an eternity with God.
5. Our children repeat the cycle.
For most of us who are reading this, we're focusing on stages 2 and 3
of the sequence. God help us focus!
Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness! Kim
with our wife. With help, I've come to believe that this relationship
is critical to my pursuit of Christlikeness. Why? Because Christianity
is, at its root, relational. Ultimately, it's about my individual
relationship to Christ. In preparation for eternity, I need to
practice being like Him so that I'm ready to join with Him for all
time.
Where do I go to get that practice? Scripture many times, Old
Testament and New, calls me to love my neighbor as myself (wife
included). Fair enough. But Scripture further calls me as a husband to
love my "wife like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for
her." That is a call to Christlikeness! It tells me as a husband that
the medium through which I can pursue Christlikeness is my
relationship with my wife. The standard for evaluating the pursuit is
the manner in which Christ loved the church (He gave Himself up for
her).
What I'm saying is that my relationship to my wife is a mirror of my
relationship with Christ. And vice versa. So, if I view my wife as
"struggle and strife" it is a mirror of my "struggle and strife" with
Christ.
This gives a new perspective on what God called "help." As Believing
men, we cycle through this sequence:
1. We grow up under our parent's wings learning about God through them (if all goes well).
2. We leave our mother and father and cleave to our wife. Our wife
"helps" us by being a mirror of our relationship to God. Our marriage
becomes the medium through which we practice Christlikeness in
preparation for eternity.
3. We have children and, under our wings, they learn about God through us (if all goes well).
4. We go on to an eternity with God.
5. Our children repeat the cycle.
For most of us who are reading this, we're focusing on stages 2 and 3
of the sequence. God help us focus!
Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness! Kim
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